


Chip My Heart (Till It Breaks)

by halfsweet



Series: Gambling With Desire [3]
Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Codependency, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Infidelity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-08 17:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4314789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfsweet/pseuds/halfsweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He rests his head on Brendon's shoulder, closing his eyes. "I'm tired, Bren. I don't think I can keep up the act any longer."</p><p>(Patrick's POV in <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4036837">I've Never Lit A Match</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this with Shattered by Backstreet Boys playing on repeat. That song _really_ got my mood going.

Patrick gazes at his sleeping husband. He couldn't fall asleep the night before, with the anticipation that his album was just being released buzzing under his skin constantly. He has received a news from his label minutes ago, informing him that his album had just made it to the Number 1 spot overnight.

Patrick is really excited and he wants to share the news with Pete, so he sits at the edge of the bed, about to wake Pete from his slumber when Pete's phone buzzes. He takes the phone and his lip is pressed into a thin line when he sees the name.

_From: Mikey_  
_07:10:56_  
_Are we still on for our plan today?_

Patrick frowns and puts the phone back in its spot. He desperately wants to ask Pete why he still won't tell Patrick about his affair, but at the same time he wants to know how long he can go before finally breaking down.

He paces around the room trying to regain his composure, and sits back on the bed when he feels calm enough. He takes a deep breath and puts on his mask, making himself look happy and excited, and shakes Pete's shoulder.

"Pete! Wake up!" He watches as Pete slowly blinks to consciousness. "Pete! Come on, wake up!"

"What time is it? It's not afternoon yet, is it?" Pete yawns and rubs his eyes, eyeing the bouncing Patrick.

"Doesn't matter," Patrick grins and kisses Pete on the cheek. "I'm just happy."

"About what?" Pete stares at him questioningly.

Patrick bites his lip and yells out in excitement. "My album tops the charts!" He throws his ams around Pete's neck and hugs him. "Number one, Pete! Folie is doing better than Soul Punk!"

Pete laughs and hugs him back. "Congrats, 'Trick! I know you can do it."

"Yeah, thanks to you," Patrick whispers. If he has to be honest, he really does owe Pete his thanks. After all, Pete's little  _extracurricular activity_  had inspired him to write the album.

"Let's celebrate," Patrick releases him and smiles. "What do you want to do today?"

"I… well, I…" Pete stutters.

"Do you have something else to do today?" Patrick asks.

"Practice," Pete looks at him apologetically. "Game is coming up."

"Yeah, okay…" Patrick looks down.  _Or you're doing Mikey._  He looks back up at Pete and smiles. "I'll just head to the studio then. See you tonight."

Patrick gets off from the bed and leaves the room, leaning against a wall just outside their bedroom. He can hear Pete typing away on his phone and the buzz of an incoming text. He knows now where he stands against Mikey in Pete's eyes. He throws one last longing look at Pete before pushing himself off the wall, heading to the studio.

-

It has been a long day for Patrick. He's had interviews non-stop the entire day, be it on the radio, television, phone or in person. He can only have social interaction in one day for so long before he starts to feel tired and anxious.

He walks to the living room and sees Pete, reclined on the couch, sleeping. He makes his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and heads back to the living room. He smiles at his sleeping husband; he looks so relaxed. He brushes Pete's forehead and drops a kiss before waking him up. "Pete, hey, wake up."

"'Trick?" Pete yawns, voice slurred from sleeping. "You're back. What time is it?"

Patrick sits on the armrest and hands Pete the glass of water he's holding. "Almost one. Why didn't you sleep in the bedroom?"

"Was waiting for you to come home." Patrick smiles when Pete lays his head on his thigh, tugging on his shirt. Patrick leans down and meets him in a kiss.

"The album was great. It deserves the number one spot," Pete whispers, chuckling at Patrick's red face.

"You- you've listened to it?" Patrick nervously asks, fidgeting. He wonders if Pete suspects anything about the songs, but Pete looks genuine and happy and he supposes Pete doesn't catch the meanings in his songs.

"Been listening to it non-stop," Pete smirks and Patrick lets himself being hauled by him. "Up now. Bed. It's pretty late for little 'Tricks to be up and running."

"I'm not little!" Patrick pouts and follows Pete to their bedroom.

When they have reached the bedroom, Patrick takes a quick shower before joining Pete on the bed. He moans as Pete kisses his neck and makes his way to his jaw and his lip. Patrick parted his lip willingly and runs his fingers through Pete's hair. When another moan escapes his mouth, he quickly breaks the kiss and averts his gaze.

"You okay, 'Trick?" Pete asks him in concern.

"Let's… let's just sleep tonight. Is that okay?" Patrick looks up at Pete nervously. To his relief, Pete just smiles and complies. "Sure. You must be tired."

Pete wraps his arms around Patrick's waist, cuddling him. "Night, 'Trick."

When Pete is fast asleep, Patrick gazes at his husband, millions of thoughts racing in his mind. He has forgotten the last time they actually made love. Patrick scoffs. Can he even call it that if the love is one-sided? He turns and lies on his back and stares at the ceiling. He tries really hard to not to think that whenever Pete fucked him, Pete has also probably fucked Mikey too.

"Night, Pete."

-

"If Pete can cheat, then why can't you?" Brendon grumbles. "Let him have a taste of his own medicine."

Patrick laughs dryly and grabs a piece of paper, ready to start planning for their tour. "See, Brendon, that's the difference between me and Pete. I love my husband, so I wouldn't cheat on him."

Brendon snorts. "Pete's an asshole. I don't know why you're still together with him."

"I love him, Bren," Patrick smiles, "that's all that matters."

He tries to pretend he doesn't hear what Brendon is muttering under his breath.

"Does it still matter if he keeps on breaking your heart?"

-

"You're going on tour with Brendon?"

Patrick's startled at his husband's voice and he turns around, beaming at him. He's just about to tell Pete about his tour, and he wants to invite Pete to come with him when his game season is over.

"Pete, you're home! I thought you wouldn't be home for a couple of hours, so I didn't prepare anything," he says the last part slowly, looking up at Pete in apology.

"Patrick," the blond man is quite surprised when he's pulled up from his seat, "are you really going on tour with Brendon?"

Patrick looks at him, confused. "It's just Brendon, Pete. He's not a stranger, you know him. He's our friend."

" _Just_  Brendon?"

Patrick huffs and crosses his arms. "What are you so worked up about?"

"But it's Brendon!"

"Yes, it's Brendon," Patrick rolls his eyes. Honestly, he doesn't get why Pete is making a big deal out of this. The three of them can finally hang out together again, like high school. "What has gotten into you, Pete? Why the sudden hostility?"

"What the hell, Patrick?! Of all people, why  _him_?!" Pete bristles, glaring at Patrick.

"Why do you hate Brendon so much? He's our friend, Pete!" Patrick retorts.

"Don't you  _ever_  say his name," Pete snarls, fists clenching at his sides. Patrick tenses and unconsciously steps back, fear evident on his face when he sees the menacing glint in Pete's eyes. They've had their fair share of fights before, but Pete has never, in his life, been so infuriated to the point it's almost threatening.

"I'm going out to get something for dinner. What do you want?" Pete asks calmly as if nothing happened and grabs his keys.

"Pete! Wait, Pete!" Patrick cries out, trailing after his husband. He reaches out for Pete's hand but Pete has already walked out the door. "Just text me what you want," he mutters.

The door slams shut in his face before Patrick can say anything. Patrick opens the door and sees that Pete has just pulled out of the driveway. He sighs and closes the door, sliding down to the floor.

_To: Pete_  
_19:29:07_  
_I want you to come home, Pete. We'll talk about this._

Patrick stares at his phone screen, waiting for Pete's name to appear. He bites his lip, dark thoughts beginning to take over his mind. He pulls his knees to his chest and tries to calm his breathing.  _Serves you right. That's what you get for being a bad husband._

He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head slowly. "That's not true…"  _You're a failure. You can't even keep your husband happy._

"That's not true!" Patrick shouts, voice reverberating in the empty house. "That's not true! Pete's happy! He'll come back and we'll have dinner together! Pete's happy!  _Pete's happy!_ "

He rocks his body back and forth, still not moving an inch from behind the door, and stares at his phone, waiting for Pete to reply. An hour passes and he picks up his phone again.

_To: Pete_  
_20:34:12_  
_Pete, please come home. I love you._

_Pete doesn't love you. Why do you think he's been seeing Mikey behind your back?_

"Pete loves me," Patrick whispers. "He loves me."

_No, he doesn't. Look at you. Who would love you?_

"He loves me! Pete loves me! Pete loves me!"

Patrick grips his hair tight he can feel pain on his scalp and whimpers softly. He's being a bad husband, he should've asked for Pete's opinion before deciding for himself. And now Pete's mad at him and he's probably at Mikey's, laughing at him, making fun of him. He chokes out a sob and lies on his side, body trembling.

"Pete, please come back. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he snivels and whispers the words repeatedly, "I'm sorry, Pete. Please come back. I'm sorry, Pete. Please don't leave me."

He grabs his phone and sends Pete another text, having slight difficulty with his shaking hands.

_To: Pete_  
_21:50:34_  
_Pete, I'm sorry. I love you. Please come home._

Tears begin to leak from his eyes and he wails silently. Minutes turn to hours and Pete still hasn't replied to any of his texts. He curls up into a ball on the floor and chants Pete's name repeatedly. "Pete, Pete, Pete…"

His chest tightens and he's suddenly convulsing on the floor, gasping for air. Everything begins to blur and he feels like he's suffocating. He manages to get one more word out before completely losing his consciousness.

"Pete…"

-

He rests his head on Brendon's shoulder, closing his eyes. "I'm tired, Bren. I don't think I can keep up the act any longer."

He relaxes his body when Brendon rubs circles on his back and pulls him close. "Tell him the truth, Patrick. I'm surprised you can last this long, actually."

Patrick says nothing else and takes comfort in Brendon's presence. He really wants to confront Pete, but he doesn't want to lose him either. He knows Pete will choose Mikey over him any other day, that's why Pete has been spending more time with Mikey instead of his own husband. Who can blame him, though?

Patrick knows the differences between him and Mikey. Mikey is tall, strong, graceful, and has a lot of things in common with Pete. And Patrick is… Patrick. Short, fat, unattractive. If he were Pete, he wouldn't choose himself either.

He comes back to reality when his phone rings. He's surprised when he sees the name on the phone and shows it to Brendon, beaming. "It's Pete!"

He ignores the way Brendon rolls his eyes and presses answer. "Hey, Pete. What's up?"

_"Hey, you busy?"_

"Uh, hold on," Patrick covers the mouthpiece with his hand and looks at Brendon eagerly. Brendon seems to know Patrick's request because he flatly says, "No."

"Please, Brendon? It's Pete! He's probably going to ask me out for lunch," Patrick rushes and stares at Brendon with wide eyes.

"No, Patrick. We still have to plan our tour," Brendon states firmly. "Time is running out."

"Please, we haven't been spending time together. This could be it," Patrick begs. "Please, Brendon. I'll make it up to you!"

Brendon sighs and runs his hand through his hair. Patrick knows the gesture all too well- Brendon is letting Patrick have his way. Patrick grins widely at him and thanks him before returning to his phonecall.

"Nah. Bren and I are just taking our breaks. Something wrong?"

_"You're still at the studio with him?"_

Patrick is taken aback at Pete's tone and can't help but feel like he has upset Pete again. "We're just planning for the tour, Pete… we didn't do anything else," he explains and has to physically restrain Brendon from grabbing his phone. Brendon must have gotten a clue as to what Pete has just said.

_"Yeah, I know. But you're spending too much time with him lately."_

Patrick laughs heartily into the speakers. If he didn't know any better, he could say that Pete is actually jealous. That little revelation makes his heart swell with happiness. That means Pete still loves him!

"How about this? We'll go out for lunch, just the two of us," Patrick asks, fingers crossing.

_"Really? Yeah! Let's do that! Want me to pick you up?"_

"Sure, you know where to find me," Patrick grins into the receiver and ends the call. His grin soon disappears from his face when he is met with Brendon's disapproving frown.

"I'll be fine, Bren. Pete and I are fine now. Don't worry, okay?" Patrick smiles and pats Brendon. "Do you want me to buy you anything?"

"Just… just be careful, okay, Patrick?" Brendon says, looking at him with an expression Patrick can't quite name. Patrick stares at him quizzically before nodding. He forgets Brendon's words as soon as the thought of having lunch with Pete enters his mind. Pete's name on the call log catches his attention and he smiles at the name. There's hope that Pete still loves him.

-

Patrick beams as he and Brendon place the shopping bags on the kitchen counter. "Thanks for helping me, Bren. I don't think I could've done this all by myself."

Brendon smiles and hops on the kitchen island, grabbing a fruit from the fruit bowl. "Why did you suddenly plan to cook a special dinner?"

"Remember the other day, when I went out for lunch with Pete?" He pauses as Brendon nods. "I can feel that our relationship is getting better, Bren," Patrick smiles, cheeks red. "Maybe this is it. Maybe after this everything will be back to normal."

Patrick feels unnerved under Brendon's intense gaze and he turns around, sorting through the shopping bags. He can't understand why Brendon keeps giving him looks every time he talks about Pete. Like he's disappointed in Patrick or something. Patrick shrugs off the thought and begins to wash the ingredients to cook.

"Have you called him yet?" Brendon's voice penetrates through the silence. "Ask him if he'll be home for dinner."

"Pete will be home, Brendon. I know him," Patrick states, narrowing his eyes at the younger man.

"Call him, Patrick. Ask him."

Determined to prove Brendon wrong, he huffs at the other man and calls Pete. He looks at Brendon in the eye, not backing down from Brendon's stare.

_"Hey, 'Trick. What's up?"_

Patrick's expression must have changed because Brendon immediately hops down from the counter and rushes towards him, looking concerned.

He takes a deep breath and tries to steady his voice. "Pete, are you doing anything later?"

_"Uh, yeah, extra practice."_

Patrick leans against the counter and closes his eyes. Brendon is right beside him, holding him by the shoulders. "Oh… well, have fun. See you later at home," he bites his lip, mulling over whether he should continue the next sentence. "I love you, Pete," he finally says.

_"Yeah, don't wait up."_

Patrick takes his phone away from his ear as Pete hangs up. He places the phone on the counter and breathes shakily.

"Hey, Patrick, what happened?"

He shakes his head slowly and sinks down to the floor. Brendon follows suit, pulling Patrick into his arms. Patrick rests his head on Brendon's chest and he feels a tightness in his throat.

"He's with Mikey," Patrick whispers, voice brittle.

"How did you know?" Brendon asks as he soothes Patrick.

"I- I heard it, Bren. Pete was- he was out of breath, moaning." Patrick curls in on himself as tears prickle at the back of his eyes.  _Pete is doing it with Mikey while on the phone with his husband._  That thought makes him sick to the stomach as he rushes to the sink, throwing up. Tears begin to fall as he continues to empty his stomach, Brendon rubbing his back slowly.

"I'll kill him. I swear, Patrick, he's really done it this time," Brendon growls beside him. Patrick stays hunched over the sink and whimpers. "Don't, Brendon. Please."

"Why are you still defending him?! Patrick, this isn't healthy! This is not a healthy relationship!" Brendon boils in anger, glaring at Patrick.

"I love him, Bren," Patrick chokes out, squeezing his eyes shut. "I love Pete. And Pete loves me. I know Pete loves me. Please don't do anything to him. I love him."

"Honestly, Patrick, I don't know what else to do with you," Brendon mutters under his breath as he brings Patrick to the living room and settles him on the couch. He kneels next to Patrick and brushes his bangs away. "You stay here. I'll cook something for you. What do you want?"

"I want Pete," Patrick mumbles, his voice low but he's sure Brendon hears it loud and clear.

-

"Pete," Patrick calls and wraps his arms around his husband's waist, pressing himself to Pete. He closes his eyes when Pete pulls him close and kisses his temple. "You okay, 'Trick?"

 _I know about you and Mikey. I know about you and Mikey. I know about you and Mikey._  Patrick swallows and lets out a shuddering breath. He nods and pulls away, looking up at Pete, suddenly nervous.  _I know about you and Mikey._  "Yeah. Are you free tomorrow night?"

Patrick's angry at himself for not being brave enough to confront Pete. He's angry for chickening out at the last second, but he's somehow relieved that he has a back-up plan just in case situation like this happens: His celebration party. The timing is just too perfect.

"You have a plan for us tomorrow night?" Pete asks.

He makes a contented sound when Pete plays with his hair. He misses their intimacy, all the little things that Pete used to do to him like playing with his hair, rubbing the back of his neck and lightly pressing each other's fingertips. He savours the moment while it lasted. Who knows when the next time will be that they're going to be this close again. Probably never, Patrick sighs.

Quickly putting up the mask he always wears, he nods fervently. "The record's throwing a celebration party, and I was hoping you'd come. They're inviting a lot of people, and… and you know how I feel about that."

Patrick has never liked being in a crowd, and even after years of being in the business, he still hasn't gotten used to it. He always invites Pete to go with him to any parties he's invited to, but ever since Mikey came into the picture, Pete keeps giving him excuses and Patrick has to find someone else to help him deal with his panic attacks. Patrick's really thankful for Brendon. He has helped Patrick a lot and Patrick couldn't thank him enough.

Pete's laughter brings him back to reality and he smiles when Pete kisses him. He misses his husband's laughter. "Sure. I'll head straight after practice. What time does the party start?"

Patrick's heart flutters. He can't believe Pete accepts his invitation! For the first time in months, he laughs and hugs his husband, too happy to even care about his affair with Mikey.

-

Patrick smiles as he shakes his hands with all the people he meets at the party. He's beginning to feel uncomfortable and the number of people keeps on increasing. Brendon is having a chat with other musicians and Patrick is not going to disturb him, but Pete is nowhere to be found. He has sent him two texts and called him a few times, but Pete didn't answer him. Patrick sneaks off to a corner and takes out his phone to check if Pete has replied him. When he sees zero notification, he starts to feel anxious.

_To: Pete_  
_21:45:02_  
_Pete, where are you? Please come. I think I'm having a panic attack_

He walks around the area and tries to relax himself. His anxiety level lowers when he downs a glass of wine, but it's still not enough. He's bouncing on his feet and he looks around for a certain dark-haired man. Minutes pass by and he begins panicking when the room seems to close in on him. He maneuvers himself through the crowd and immediately runs away once he has escaped from them.

He slips into an empty room and sits at a corner, pulling his knees to his chest and breathing short and rapidly. The room is dark, but at least he's away from the crowd. He reaches for his phone and tries to hold back his tears that are threatening to fall. He calls Pete and his anxiety level rises again when Pete doesn't pick up. He's close to burst into tears and he feels like throwing up.

_To: Pete_  
_22:10:23_  
_Pete, please pick up. Please please please_

The door to the room creaks open and Patrick glances up, seeing a blurry figure. Even if he can't see well, Patrick recognizes the dark hair anywhere. He laughs through his tears and waits for the figure to come to him.

"You're here, Pete! I knew you'd come!" Patrick smiles and hugs the figure by the waist. "I never doubted you, Pete."

Patrick closes his eyes and hums softly as he feels hands in his hair. He's happy that Pete came. He finally calms down and sighs contentedly.

"You okay?"

"Brendon?"

Patrick wipes his tears with his sleeves and stares up at Brendon, biting his lip. It's not Pete. Pete's not here. Pete didn't come. He swallows down the lump in his throat as his vision begins to blur with tears again. Or maybe Pete's here, and he sends Brendon to look for him.

"Pete's here, right, Brendon?" Patrick asks him expectantly. "Is he looking for me? Did he ask you to look for me?"

"Patrick…"

He wipes his tears again and smiles shakily at Brendon. "Bring me to Pete. I need Pete, I want to see Pete. Pete promised me he'd come. He- he knows tonight is important to me."

"Patrick, listen-"

"He's here, right, Brendon?" Patrick's voice cracks, "please tell me he's here. Please."

He feels Brendon's arms around him and lets himself being held by Brendon.

"Yeah. Pete was here, but he thought you'd already left, so he went back," Brendon whispers, raking his hands through Patrick's hair.

Patrick lets out a choked sob and bites his lip, stifling his sobs. He wants to call out Brendon for his lie, but he's somehow glad for that little lie. It gives him hope, no matter how false it is, that Pete actually came to the party and cares about him.

-

"Want me to stay with you?" Brendon asks once they have reached Patrick's house. After the party was over, Brendon had offered to send Patrick back, seeing how unstable Patrick was at that moment, and asked a friend to drive Patrick's car.

Patrick takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "It's okay."

He gets out of Brendon's car and thanks him one last time before entering his house. He walks through the dark house and changes his clothes, then goes to his music room, the only place where he feels calm and at ease. Taking out his phone, he sends a text to Pete before putting it in silent mode.

_To: Pete_  
_23:15:27_  
_You don't have to come. Party's already over_

He lies down on the couch and closes his eyes. He feels numb, exhausted and wretched. He wishes he can sleep until the day he has to go out of state, and then when he returns, continues to sleep until his tour starts. He wants nothing else to do but to just sleep.

He gets to sleep for an hour before his throat demands for water. He has forgotten to fill the mini-fridge in the room with snacks and water, so he has no choice but to venture out into the kitchen. With a sigh, he drags his feet to the door. He sees a shadow underneath the door and knows that Pete is already back.

He opens the door and stares at Pete levelly. He isn't in any mood to deal with Pete so he just keeps quiet.

"Patrick… Patrick, I'm sorry," Pete apologizes as he takes Patrick's hand and rubs it softly. Patrick merely nods and walks into the kitchen. He doesn't even have to turn to know that Pete is following him.

"Are you mad at me?"

Patrick snorts and rolls his eyes. Does Pete really have to ask that question?

"Should I?" He opens the fridge and takes out a bottle of water, taking a sip. He sighs in contentment when the cold water hits his dry throat. He doesn't flinch when Pete wraps his arms around him and kisses his neck.

"I'm sorry. Come to bed with me," Pete whispers.

Patrick wriggles himself free and walks back to the music room without saying another word, locking the door and laying back on the couch. He knows Pete was with Mikey when the party was on, but he just can't believe the fact that Pete broke his promise. He smiles dismally to himself; Pete really prioritizes Mikey over his own husband. He soon falls asleep before he knows it, and leaves the house early in the morning to avoid confrontation with Pete.

-

It has been two hours since Patrick sat by the dinner table, and the dinner has already turned cold. He looks at the clock and sighs. Pete should've been home an hour ago. Pete had told him he'd be back early after celebrating with his team and Patrick decided to prepare dinner for them, celebrating Pete's victory.

He lets out another sigh and stands up from his seat, putting away the food into the fridge. When Pete comes back, he can just reheat the food.

He goes to the bedroom and fiddles with GarageBand while waiting for his husband to come home. Patrick has been away for a week and even after his little breakdown at his celebration party, he's still trying his best to make their marriage work. And the fact that Pete seems eager to spend time with him before he's due out of state also restores his hope and faith in their marriage.

He hears a shout from downstairs and slowly gets out of bed. He peeks out from the door and his eyes widen when he sees Pete struggling to walk straight.

"Pete?"

"Who's that?" Pete's voice slurs and Patrick frowns at him. He can't believe how wasted Pete looks. He walks towards Pete and slides his arms around Pete's waist and brings Pete's arm to his shoulder, helping him to walk straight. He wrinkles his nose at the smell and scowls. "God, you reek."

"You smell nice," Pete sniffs him and leans into him. "So nice, so pretty…"

"Just how much did you drink, Pete?" Patrick asks, giving him a sideways glance.

"Uh… this…" Pete holds out his free hand and spreads his fingers. "How many fingers…?"

Patrick pauses in his step and throws him an incredulous look. "You drank five glasses?"

"No, silly!" Pete giggles and then becomes quiet. "I can't remember…"

Patrick sighs as he opens the bedroom door. "You're so going to get a terrible hangover tomorrow," he mutters and makes sure Pete can stand by himself. "Stay here. I'll get you some clean clothes." He instructs Pete and heads to the closet. He is only three steps away when Pete shoves him down to the bed, surprising him, then proceeds to straddle him.

"Pete! Pete, you're drunk. Get off-" Patrick manages to get the words out while struggling from under Pete's heavy weight. "Pete!"

Panic and fear begin to rise in Patrick's chest. His eyes dart from left to right, looking for escape when Pete slides his hands under Patrick's shirt, laughing.

"Pete!"

-

He sits against the wall with his knees to his chest, body shaking with sobs and hands clutching the blanket tightly to his body. He has never seen Pete that drunk before in his life; so drunk that… Patrick squeezes his eyes shut. God, he doesn't even want to remember what happened.

He can't move and everything hurts too much. Even with the tears blurring his vision, he can still see the fresh red streaks and splotches in various sizes across his arms, legs and body, and he's pretty sure his back is littered with them too.

He inches towards the edge of the bed, wincing as pain jolts through his body. He wipes his tears away and begins to pick up his clothes, flinching when he feels something trickling down his inner thighs. It hurts to stand, but he's willing to put up with it until he gets himself cleaned. He uses his shirt to wipe himself and then heads to the bathroom to clean up. He looks at the mirror, scrutinizing the red marks and bruises on his body. At least he can cover them, he muses. He just needs to make sure his jacket is always on whenever he's in public.

-

He pulls open the top drawer to get a clean shirt out, but a few sheets of white papers resting at the bottom of the folded shirts captures his attention. He takes the papers out and stiffens when he reads the title.  _Divorce papers._

Patrick closes his eyes, hoping that what he saw was just a trick of his eyes. When he opens them again, the same arrangement of letters stares back at him. He tightens his grip on the document and violently shoves everything on the dresser to the floor with a loud cry. He doesn't care if it makes a loud noise, he knows Pete is too passed out to even hear anything.

He slides down to the floor, back against the dresser, unable to contain his tears in for any longer. He doesn't know why bad things keep happening to him. He has never done anything wrong, and he treats Pete nicely even when Pete has been seeing someone else behind his back. All he wanted that night was to just have one decent dinner with his husband and to get a good night's sleep.

He gasps for air and reaches for a pen laying nearby on the floor, along with all the scattered items. He grabs the pen and holds it shakily, hovering it just above the paper. Pete wants this, but Patrick doesn't. He loves Pete so much and Pete has been in his life for too long that he doesn't think he can make it without Pete by his side. But Pete wants this.  _Pete wants to divorce him._

He rubs his eyes, getting rid of the tears, and begins to fill in the form with a heavy heart. Once he's done, he stares at the half-filled document. He suddenly feels worn out and numb and he places the document back in its place.

Patrick slowly cleans up the mess he has created and calls Brendon, waiting patiently for Brendon to answer. He doesn't expect Brendon to pick up immediately, seeing that it's already three in the morning.

_"Patrick?"_

"Hey, can I stay at your place?" Patrick winces when his voice comes out gravelly.

_"You don't even have to ask."_

Patrick sighs and thanks him, ending the call. With everything that has happened that night, Patrick doesn't think he can look at Pete in the eye for more than one second, or even stand being in the same room as him.

He begins to pack up, bringing enough clothes for when he is out of state. He can just borrow some of Brendon's shirts while he's at Brendon's house. When he has finished packing, he glances over at Pete's sleeping form. Pete will probably never remember what happened, and Patrick is determined to keep it that way. But if Pete asks him, Patrick would end up tell him in one way or another. Patrick can never really deny Pete's requests or whatever Pete tells him to do. Pete has him wrapped around his fingers.

He grabs a clean shirt and a boxer and dresses Pete with no difficulty since Pete is out cold. Patrick then goes to get a glass of water and some painkillers, putting them on the bedside.

When he's done, he stares at Pete for a moment. Pete would, no doubt, call him and ask him where Patrick has disappeared to when he wakes up. Grabbing a note from the bedside, he scribbles something and places it under the nightlamp. With one last look at Pete, he leaves the house.

_Schedule problem. Out of state from today. Will be home in a couple of weeks._

-

Patrick rings the doorbell of Brendon's house and waits by the doorstep. Brendon opens the door not long after and ushers Patrick inside, taking his bag with him.

"I've prepared the guest room for you," Brendon says and leads the way, Patrick following from behind. He's thankful of Brendon for letting him stay at his house, and appreciates even more when Brendon doesn't ask a single question, even though Patrick knows Brendon is just holding himself back from asking.

Brendon opens the door and gestures for Patrick to enter. "Here's your room. Want me to get you anything? Water?"

Patrick shakes his head and drops himself on the bed, face down. He closes his eyes and tries to compose himself after going through what seems to be the longest night of his life. The mattress dips and he feels Brendon sitting next to him. He tries not to wince when Brendon rubs a hand on his back. His body is still feeling sore and aching all over the place.

"You wanna talk about it?" Brendon asks.

Patrick wants to say something to Brendon, he wants to tell him everything, he wants to cry until there's no tear left, but he can't bring himself to reveal anything to Brendon. Brendon has already despised Pete, so if Brendon finds out, there will be hell to pay.

"It's okay if you don't want to. Get some rest, okay? I'll check on you again later," Brendon pats him one last time before leaving the room.

As soon as Brendon left, silent tears begin to run down his cheeks. "It hurts," Patrick croaks into the silent room, his throat sore from screaming. "It hurts, Brendon."

-

It's already afternoon when Patrick wakes up. He sees a bottle of water and a plate of sandwiches on the nightstand. He mentally thanks Brendon and grabs the water bottle, quickly draining it and sighing in relief when it hits his dry throat.

He lies back on the bed stares at the wall across the room. Pete has probably awaken by now and is having a painful headache. He turns to look at the ring in his finger, twisting the metal band with his thumb. It takes him all his power to refrain himself for texting and calling Pete, but he knows he needs this. He needs to get away from Pete until he's in his right mind again.

He shifts in his bed and groans when his whole body screams in pain. Making sure the door is closed, he takes off his shirt and finds that the bruises on his body have darken in colour to blue and purple. He presses one on his arm and winces in pain.

He gets off the bed to see more of his bruises, but as soon as he stands, pain shoots through his spine and he promptly falls to the floor. He remains on the floor, shoulders hunched and fists clenched, and bites his lip to stop the tears from falling. It hurts so much to even lift a finger, much less to lift himself.

Hearing footsteps from outside the door, he quickly puts on his shirt and his hoodie just in time as Brendon walks through the door, surprised at seeing Patrick on the floor. Brendon dashes to his side and carries him to his bed.

"Are you hurt?" Brendon immediately asks, concern evident in his voice.

Patrick shakes his head. There's no way he's going to tell Brendon anything. Besides, his throat is still hurting, even when he's just drinking. He lies on the bed, shifting until he can find a position that doesn't make him cry in pain every five seconds.

"Did something happen at your house?"

Patrick opens his mouth to say something, but no voice comes out. He tries again, and this time, his voice comes out hoarse. "No."

Brendon furrows his eyebrow in confusion. "Your voice was fine the other day. What happened?"

Patrick curls in on himself, ignoring how his body screams in protest, and closes his eyes. If there's one thing he's good at, it would be avoiding confrontations.

Brendon sighs from his side and rubs his arm up and down. "Fine. Get some sleep. I'm going out. If you need anything, just text me, okay?"

Patrick nods slightly and hears Brendon leaving the room. He sighs and opens his eyes again. His heart beats erratically in his chest when he imagines what would have happened if he was one second too late in putting his shirt on. Brendon would have seen him with the blue-black bruises on his body.

He closes his eyes again and tries to sleep. He doesn't even want to think of the possible outcomes.

-

Patrick ends up sleeping the whole day and night, only waking up the next the morning, and sees Brendon in the room, bringing him his breakfast.

"And the Sleeping Beauty has awaken."

Patrick rolls his eyes and bats Brendon with his pillow. He notices that his body doesn't hurt as much as it was before, and he shifts more to check if there is any pain. There is, but nothing he can't handle.

He grabs the glass of water that Brendon hands him and finishes the whole glass in one go. "Thanks," he rasps out. At least his voice is back, even though his throat is still hurting.

Brendon sits on the bed and points to the breakfast plate. "Eat," he commands.

Patrick picks at the pancakes with the fork before cutting them into tiny pieces. "Thank you, Brendon, for letting me stay."

"Don't worry about it. Just leave the plate on the table when you've done, then go shower. Knowing you, I've already put a towel and a shirt in the bathroom," Brendon pats him on the back. "I have to go now. See you later."

Patrick watches as Brendon exits the room, then looks at the pancakes Brendon cooked. Patrick can't remember the last time he cooked for Pete. Pete always has something else to do, and Patrick usually ends up eating alone. Just like today.

-

"You've changed, you know," Patrick mumbles that night, playing with the ring on his finger.

Brendon shoots him a confused look, eyebrow furrowing. "What do you mean?"

"You used to be this little boy, always needed to be taken care of," Patrick looks up at him and smiles wistfully, "and now it's the other way around."

Brendon chuckles. "I'm forever indebted to you, Patrick."

"Brendon," Patrick calls the younger man just as he stands up to leave.

"Yeah, Patrick? What is it?" Brendon sits back on the bed, rubbing Patrick's sides. "Do you need anything?"

Patrick bites his lip, contemplating on his request, before flicking his gaze to Brendon. "Sing me something, please?"

He closes his eyes when Brendon nods, shooting him a smile and running his fingers through his hair. "Anything for you."

_"When the world gets too heavy_  
_Put it on my back_  
_I'll be your levy_  
_You are taking me apart_  
_Like bad glue_  
_On a get well card."_

-

_"Can I stay with you until the tour starts?"_

Patrick could not be more thankful that Brendon lets him stay at his place again. His manager decides to be nice to him and gives him a two-week break before the tour. Besides, he's not ready to face Pete again.

Patrick opens his eyes and stares at the darkness of his room, unable to fall back asleep. He's been having the same nightmare for a few days, but too numb to feel anything from them.

_"You're so noisy!"_

_"That's what you get for fighting back!"_

_"Shut the fuck up!"_

He still remembers his scream when Pete forced himself in. The pain was so unbearable that he almost passed out, but he didn't, and he had to endure everything until Pete finally became unconscious. He closes his eyes again and wills himself to fall back asleep.

-

"Patrick, come on… you need to eat. You hardly eat anything for the last couple of days," Brendon chides when he walks into the guestroom, only to see Patrick curled up under the sheets.

"Not hungry," Patrick mumbles, not opening his eyes. He doesn't have the heart to tell Brendon that he hasn't eaten anything since a week ago. He's lost his appetite, and he's seen the comments on how fat he has become. The dark part of his mind says that that's the reason Pete has been seeing someone else behind his back.  _Because you're fucking fat._

"Hungry or not, you need to eat," Brendon stresses, walking over to sit on the bed. "What happens if you fell sick? What happens if you were hospitalized?"

"Does Pete even know you're here?"

Patrick keeps quiet, not answering Brendon's questions. His mouth feels too heavy to open, his body too tired to do anything, and he just wants to close his eyes and sleep until the tour starts.

"Patrick…" Brendon sighs and runs his hand up and down Patrick's arm. "You know you can talk to me, right? Is this about Pete?"

Patrick laughs bitterly. He knows how sad he looks, locking himself in a room and sulking over his failing marriage.

"Come on, Patrick. Let's go down and order something. What do you want?"

Patrick wants everything to go back to normal, the way it used to be. He wants his husband back, he wants his husband's love back, he wants his happiness back, he wants his life back.

"I want to sleep."

-

"After the tour ends, I want to quit everything," Patrick confesses one night.

Brendon spins around to look at Patrick in astonishment. "What do you mean?"

"Music, just everything in general," Patrick shrugs and hugs the pillow tighter to his chest, burying his face under the pillow.

"But, why?" Brendon splutters. "You can't quit music! Music is your life!"

Patrick peeks from under the pillow to look at Brendon and laughs. "What is life when you have nothing to live for?"

"You still have your family, don't you? And you have me," Brendon states, walking over to the bed and sits by his legs.

"That's because you guys have no choice but to get stuck with me," Patrick seethes, "the fuck-up guy. The guy who can't do anything right."

"You're not a fuck-up," Brendon says calmly.

Patrick scoffs at Brendon. "Other people beg to differ. That's why Pete doesn't love me. I'm a fucking mess, a walking disaster."

"Patrick-"

"I can't do anything right. I'm a fucking sell-out and my music is shit," Patrick mutters bitterly. "I don't even know what I'm doing still alive."

"Patrick!" Brendon yells, "Patrick, look at me!"

Patrick huffs and glares at Brendon. "I'm looking at you now. Happy?"

"What has gotten into you?"

"Reality," Patrick bites back, venom in his voice, and closes his eyes, ending their conversation.

-

"Life would be so much better without me, don't you think so, Brendon?" Patrick smiles wide at him. "Everybody's lives wouldn't be such a mess, and everyone would live happily ever after!" He giggles, spreading his arms.

"Patrick, please, whatever you're thinking of doing, don't," Brendon states firmly, staring down at Patrick with a fierce look in his eyes.

Patrick stops giggling and smirks at the dark-haired man, propping his elbow on the pillow. "What do  _you_  think I'm thinking of doing, Brendon?" He taunts.

"Patrick," Brendon warns, "stop this right now."

"Say it, Bren. I want to hear it," Patrick sneers, "I want to hear you say it."

When Brendon keeps quiet, Patrick laughs and lies back on the bed, eyes fixed on Brendon as if challenging him. "Come on. Repeat after me, Brenny.  _'I know you want to kill yourself'_ ," he smirks, enunciating each word slowly.

"Oh, come on, Brendon! It's not that hard!  _'I know you want to kill yourself'_ , see? Easy as pie," Patrick grins and sits up on the bed, grabbing a pillow from behind him and holding it to his chest. "It's your turn now, Brenny. If I can do it, then you can too."

"Say it, Brendon!" Patrick yells and throws the pillow at the younger man. Brendon stands rooted to his spot and just stares at Patrick.

Patrick grits his teeth and makes his way to Brendon, grabbing his collar and shoving him to the wall roughly. "Fucking say it, Bren! Tell me that I fucking deserve to die! That I don't deserve to live!"

Patrick grabs Brendon again and pulls him so they're at the same eye level. "Do yourself a favour and just admit it. You would be really glad if I died, wouldn't you? Then you don't have to deal with my shit anymore," he provokes and releases Brendon, glaring at him.

"Hate me!" Patrick shouts at Brendon, "hate me like everyone else does! Throw me out! Hit me!"

Brendon steps close to Patrick and engulfs him in a tight hug, straining him.

"Hate me, Brendon! Don't be nice to me! I don't need your fucking pity!" Patrick continues to yell as he struggles against Brendon's hold.

"Patrick, calm down," Brendon says, voice soft and soothing, "I can never bring myself to hate you."

Patrick continues to struggle and yell and Brendon tightens his grip. "Let go, Brendon! Just admit that you hate me!"

"I love you, Patrick."

Patrick stills when he hears the words escaped Brendon's lip. His body falls limp in Brendon's arms and he squeezes his eyes shut.

"I love you. I'm here," Brendon hushes him and runs his fingers through Patrick's hair. "I'm here, okay? I love you."

Patrick isn't aware that he's crying until Brendon wipes his tears away. "I'm here, Patrick."

Brendon makes a move to sit on the floor, bringing Patrick down along with him. He leans against the wall and positions Patrick to sit between his legs and lean on him.

Patrick tucks his head under Brendon's chin and bites his lip to refrain himself from sobbing, but Brendon is caressing his head and murmuring loving words in his ear and he loses it. After months of keeping his feelings inside, he finally breaks down in front of Brendon, tears streaming down continuously and he screams his frustration out into Brendon's shirt so loud he can feel his throat scraping.

"Let it all out, Patrick. I'm here."

-

After his episode the other day, Patrick's daily routine doesn't change much. He still spends his time sleeping and only getting out of bed to shower, but he's feeling lethargic more than usual.

"You know, I can't keep giving excuses to him. He's been calling me non-stop asking where you are. What do you expect me to say?"

Patrick opens his eyes and sees Brendon barging in, standing with his arms crossed next to the bed. "Just say that I have work to do or something. I lost my phone, whatever," he replies, closing his eyes and trying to go back to sleep.

He hears Brendon's exasperated sigh and he feels bad for him. This is his problem and he drags Brendon into it, all because he wants to avoid any form of communication with Pete.

"Patrick, how long are you going to be like this? I'm really worried about you."

Patrick opens his eyes and scoots further in his bed, making room for Brendon to sit.

"Did something happen between you two?" Brendon asks softly as he sits down on the bed, stroking Patrick's sheet-covered legs.

Patrick shakes his head slowly. He can't tell anyone about the incident that happened weeks ago, especially Brendon. He knows Brendon will go crazy about it, and if Brendon finds out, nothing can stop him from attacking Pete mercilessly.

"I know something must have happened, Patrick. You can't keep your problems all to yourself."

Patrick's eyes flicker at Brendon and a small smile makes its way on his face. "Maybe that's what got me into this mess in the first place, huh?"

"Patrick… you know that's not true. It was his fault to begin with."

"I just thought he loved me, you know. Fifteen years," Patrick sighs and curls himself into a fetal position. "I love him, Brendon."

"If he were the one, he wouldn't hurt you," Brendon mutters and rakes his fingers through Patrick's hair. " _I_  wouldn't hurt you."

Patrick grabs Brendon's hand and closes his eyes. "I know."

"I would make you happy."

"I know."

"If he messes up again, I'm taking you with me."

"I know."

Patrick knows he shouldn't be taking advantage of Brendon's feelings for him, but he misses being close to someone. He misses the warmth of having someone laying next to him. He tugs Brendon's hand until Brendon bends down to him. "Sleep with me."

He feels the mattress shifts beneath him and sighs contentedly when a pair of arms is wrapped around him, pulling him close to the warmth he's been craving for.

"I love you."

"I know."

-

Patrick stares at the ring on his finger before taking it off. It feels weird not having the extra weight on his finger. He doesn't think he would ever take his ring off, even when he's playing shows. He always wears his ring proudly everywhere. It's like a reminder that his husband is always by his side. Patrick frowns. Is Pete still really his husband?

He places the ring in his bag, and stands up when the door opens, revealing Brendon.

"Can you even see anything in this dark?"

Patrick smiles at Brendon. Patrick spends most of his time at Brendon's house sleeping, so he doesn't even bother to switch on the light.

"Are you hungry? They gave us some food at the interview earlier and I'm already full. And, hey, guess what happened at the interview? There's this-"

Patrick tugs at Brendon's collar, pulling him down and meeting him in a kiss. He lingers for a moment, then breaks away.

"What- what was that?" Brendon asks, looking dazed.

Patrick pulls him again for another kiss, giving slight pressure into the kiss and pulls away when Brendon doesn't reciprocate.

"Don't you love me, Brendon?" Patrick whispers, forehead pressed on Brendon's shoulder and arms wrapped around his waist.

"Patrick, you know I love you…"

"Why won't you kiss me back? Why didn't you do anything?" Patrick asks, voice low and soft.

"I love you, Patrick," Brendon strokes Patrick's hair. "It's because I love you that I won't do anything to you while you're  _still_  married. I don't want you to become like him."

Patrick swallows down the lump in his throat. He knows that Brendon's right, but he's tired of being right and rational. "What if I get a divorce? Would you be with me?"

"You'd never ask him for a divorce," Brendon chuckles, "you love him too much."

"But you love me," Patrick mumbles, body feeling heavy. He's tired of everything. He wants to sleep, he wants to lie next someone, he wants warmth next to him, he wants someone to caress him, he wants to feel loved before he feels empty inside. "Just one night, Brendon. Please."

He hears Brendon's hitched breath and presses himself closer to the younger man.

"Patrick…" Brendon's voice wavers, "Patrick, you're married. We shouldn't…"

"If Pete can, then why can't I? That's what you said before," Patrick mumbles against Brendon's neck, nosing along his throat.

"You also said that you love Pete, and that you wouldn't cheat on him," Brendon counters shakily.

"Is it still cheating when he doesn't love me anymore?" Patrick chuckles bitterly and holds back his tears. He can't believe how pathetic he is. Here he is, offering himself to the man that loves him and yet he still won't do anything. "Brendon, please," Patrick pleads, voice breaking.

"Patrick, you- you can't do this to me. It's unfair."

"One night, Bren," Patrick mouths at Brendon's jaw, "then we'll never mention about this again."

Patrick can tell that Brendon is having second thoughts, struggling with his moral. He trails kisses along his jaw and neck, crushing all what's left of Brendon's conscience.

"One night?"

Patrick closes his eyes and pushes all his thoughts about Pete away. He'd do anything as long as he doesn't have to think about him, even if it's against his morals.

"One night."

-

When Patrick wakes up the next morning, he feels hot breath on his nape and fingertips pressing lightly on his back. He tilts his head and sees Brendon looking grim, an expression Patrick has never seen before on Brendon.

"Brendon?" He calls him softly, cheeks slightly tinted red. Last night was undoubtedly one of the most amazing nights he ever had. He's so overwhelmed with the feeling of being loved that he actually cried and couldn't think of anything else but the feeling of Brendon moving against him.

Brendon flicks his gaze at Patrick and Patrick is immediately concerned. "What's the matter?"

"Where did you get these bruises?"

Patrick's eyes widened in alarm. He has forgotten about the scars all over him. Then again, last night was dark, Brendon didn't notice them and Patrick himself was too lost in pleasure to even feel any pain from the bruises. Now that it's already morning, his bruises are on display for Brendon to see.

"Did Pete do this to you?"

Patrick knows by Brendon's tone that the younger man is quickly losing his self-control. Once Brendon gets mad, it's going to take a lot of effort to cool him down.  _Just like Pete_. Patrick closes his eyes, everything about Pete is starting to fill his thoughts again.

_"Did Pete do this?"_

"They're just bruises, Brendon. It's not that big of a deal," Patrick sighs. Patrick had thought the bruises on his body would have gone, or at least faded by now. Brendon has seen the bruises, and now he's rapidly losing his composure.

"Just bruises?!  _Just bruises?!_  Are you fucking serious right now?! Your husband hit you and you're still defending him?!" Brendon yells, getting out of bed and putting his clothes on. "That's it. I'm heading over to your house and-"

"Brendon," Patrick grabs the younger man's wrist and halts him. "I've already forgotten about it. He was drunk. He probably doesn't remember about it either."

Brendon curls his fingers into a fist and stares down at Patrick. "He cheated on you and beat you. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't teach his sorry little ass."

Patrick smiles and releases his grip from Brendon. "Because I love him."

They look at each other for a few seconds before Brendon lets out a defeated sigh. "God, Patrick," Brendon looks at the clock in the room and turns his gaze back to the blond man. "Look, I'm packed for the day and we  _will_  talk about this when I get back at night."

Brendon walks over to Patrick and kisses his forehead. "Get some rest."

Patrick lays in the bed until Brendon leaves the house, then walks into the bathroom to inspect himself. He looks into the mirror, taking note on the marks Brendon had left on his body last night. He traces over them lightly, lost deep in thought. He can't help but think what would happen if Pete sees them. Would Pete get angry? Would Pete finally pay attention to him?

For a moment, he briefly considers going back to his house just to show them to Pete. He laughs at the thought. He should have done this with Brendon a long time ago if it can get Pete back. He twists his body and sees the brown bruises on his back, frowning.

Or maybe Pete just wouldn't care about him, Patrick sighs. He's thinking about Pete again. He wonders if he asks, Brendon would agree to do it again.

-

It's already night and Brendon still has not come back. Patrick looks at the time on his phone, noting that it's already past eight. He walks to the bathroom and gazes at his reflection in the mirror, making mental notes on every little imperfection he sees.

_Too fat, too many freckles, too short, too flabby._

He opens the cabinet and stares at the rows of bottles of pills he placed there before. He takes one bottle out and opens the cap, peering at the pills inside. He briefly wonders if people would notice if he's gone, if people would be sad if he's gone. Then he laughs bitterly as he pops two pills into his mouth. Pete would be free to be with Mikey and Brendon and his family would get over him. He really has nothing to lose. In all those fifteen years he has known Pete, Pete has somehow become the center of his life. Everything Patrick does revolves around Pete, even his music. If Pete's gone, so is everything in Patrick's life.

But Patrick has already made up his mind long before, and it's only a matter of time. He figures he should wait until his tour is over, but the weight in his empty chest is far too heavy for him to handle anymore. A drop of tear falls when he remembers the way Brendon had treated him last night. He has long forgotten how wonderful it is to feel loved, but the feeling only lasts for a short while before he starts to feel numb again.

He shakes the bottle until five pills fall on to his palm. Not wasting any second, he swallows them dry. The dark thoughts are taking over his mind again. He just wants to be able to sleep without having to think of Pete or anything. He closes the bottle, puts it back in the cabinet and takes out another one, swallowing multiple pills in one go. He repeats the action for a few times until his mind is cleared from his thoughts. He drags his feet out of the bathroom and to his bed, sighing as he feels the soft mattress beneath him. He grabs his phone and begins to type a short message. He smiles as he presses send, closing his eyes and ready for sleep to take over him. Now he can finally sleep in peace.

_To: Brendon_  
_20:32:47_  
_Thank you for everything._

Soon, he floats between dream and reality, and he doesn't know which one is which. There's the noise of a loud, blaring siren, then he's floating- or maybe someone is carrying him, and then a frantic and familiar voice speaking to him, but he can't understand what the person is saying, and then there are raindrops on his face. He doesn't know why the rain tastes salty, but maybe he's just dreaming. Then he drifts back to oblivion.

-

"Patrick… God, Patrick. Why?"

Patrick's heart breaks at Brendon's expression. He wants to apologize to Brendon, but he isn't going to. Patrick was ready and he was fully aware of what he was doing, and he's not even sorry for one second.

"Patrick, please,  _please_  don't give up on life. If you think you can't handle anymore, you can always call me. I can take some of the weight off your shoulders. You don't have to suffer alone," Brendon hugs him. "I'm here. I'm here, Patrick. I'm forever by your side, even when you don't need me."

"I mean it, Bren," Patrick mumbles, "when I said I'm tired, I really am. I'm tired of everything. I don't have anything worth living for anymore."

Patrick has already closed his eyes, but he can still hear what Brendon is saying.

"Patrick, you've always had music, even before you met Pete. Don't give up on your music, it's still a part of you."

Patrick has to admit, what Brendon says is true. His music is his alone, and while he has already lost control of his life, he still has a control over his music.

"The doctor has already called Pete, so I'm leaving now, okay?" Brendon brushes his forehead and Patrick lets out a soft whine.

"Sorry, Patrick, but if I see him, I won't be held responsible for my actions," Brendon sighs. "But I'll come back for you, okay? I'll just stay at the cafeteria. You two need to talk anyway."

Patrick whimpers and blindly reaches for Brendon's hand. "Please stay…"

"I'm here, okay? Sleep now. You need to rest." He hears Brendon's soft soothing voice and finally gives in to sleep.

-

He doesn't know how long he's been sleeping, but when he wakes up, Brendon is not by his side and Pete has just entered the restroom. He feels bleak when he sees Pete after a month of avoiding him.

He's instantly reminded of when he was in the nurse's office in high school. Only this time, there will be no Pete to snuggle up next to him. He thinks back to the moments they shared together in the past years. When Pete came back from college so he could come for Patrick's senior prom as his date, when Pete would buy them matching Halloween costumes, when Pete followed him to his first ever show, when Pete proposed to him under the full moon, when they celebrated their first anniversary. When Pete promised him he would love Patrick forever and always.

He can never forget the look on Pete's face when Patrick finally said the three words to him. There was so much happiness and love in his eyes that Patrick teared up straight away. Patrick knew at that moment that he had made the right choice in loving Pete.

But that one night really changed everything. He can't believe how one night can break everything they ever had for fifteen years. He'd never thought that they would have an end. He's emotionally drained and he can't wait for the tour to begin. Pete may have taken everything away from him, but Brendon was right. Music is Patrick's alone. As long as he has his music, he can build his life back, even from scratch.

The door to the restroom slides open and Patrick watches as Pete walks out, mouth agape when he sees Patrick already awake.

"Pete…" Patrick breathes out. He misses the man in front of him so much. This is the man that taught him everything about happiness, love and life. This is the man gives him hope that there's good in life. This is the man that gives him courage to do anything. This is also the man that manages to break his heart and soul.

He watches as Pete runs to his side and holds his hand. "Yeah, 'Trick? What is it? Are you okay?"

God, how he misses that terrible nickname. He nods slowly and takes his hand back, tucking it under the blanket, afraid if Pete would notice the fading bruises and the absence of his ring. He's silent for a while, trying to gather his courage. He loves Pete, but he knows Pete's love for him has long gone and it's only a matter of time before Pete finally divorces him. He bites his lip and swallows down all the uncertainty and nervousness away and takes a deep breath. This is it. There's no taking back.

"Pete… I think we should get a divorce."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the rest is history. 
> 
> I can't believe I spent hours on Google searching for symptoms of codependency and panic attacks and the five stages of grieving process. Hope they are all accurate enough, but I think I messed up a little. Tell me what you think in the comments!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you guys asked for the second and third chapter, here it is. This is dedicated to you guys!

Patrick doesn't move when Pete ruffles his hair. He knows Pete will brush it off as a joke.

"That's a nice joke, 'Trick. Almost gave me a heart attack for a second there."

Patrick closes his eyes and keeps quiet. Pete will throw a tantrum any second now. Sometimes he thinks that he knows Pete better than Pete himself does.

"Say something, Patrick! You're supposed to be back two weeks ago, didn't contact me for a month, swallowed down bottle of pills, and now you're asking for a divorce? What the fuck, Patrick?!"

Patrick slowly opens his eyes again, avoiding Pete's furious gaze. Pete should be happy and ecstatic that Patrick asked for a divorce, not mad. Pete can finally be free, no longer tied to him. Pete can have proper relationship with Mikey without Patrick getting in the way.

"'Trick… 'Trick, I'm sorry! I'm sorry-"

He supposes there's no way to hide anymore. Pete probably has finally guessed that Patrick knows about his affair. "Let me guess. 'You didn't know what came over you.' Heard the before," he mumbles. He stifles a yawn and closes his eyes. He wants to continue to sleep like he did before for the past weeks, where he didn't have to face any problems,  _where he didn't have to face Pete_. "I'm tired, Pete. I just want everything to be over."

"Patrick, please, listen-"

They shift their attention to the door when the door creaks open. Patrick's eyes light up at the visitor and sighs in relief. He's grateful for Brendon's presence in the room. He's too emotionally drained to deal with Pete alone. "Brendon…"

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Brendon asks gently. Patrick leans into his touch as Brendon cards his fingers through his hair. He has almost forgotten about Pete in the room when he hears Pete snarling at Brendon. "What do you think?"

"Sleepy," Patrick whispers to the younger man and closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Brendon's hand in his hair. He falls asleep again before he can hear what either of them are saying.

-

Patrick huffs as he leans back in his seat, crossing his arms and glaring at the doctor sitting in front of him.

"Mister Stump, I'm sorry, but you need to go for therapy. It doesn't even take too much time, just-"

"No!" Patrick interrupts him. "Which part of the tour is starting don't you understand? I'm not going for a therapy!"

"It's just for a few sessions, Mister Stump. I assure you, it will hardly affect your tour," the doctor states calmly.

Patrick grips on the handle of the chair, doing his best to calm himself down and not to lash out at the doctor. "If you're worried that I'm mentally incapable of taking care of myself, you don't have to worry. My friends can monitor me."

"It's not that, Mister Stump," the doctor sighs. "Shall we ask for your husband's opinion on this matter?"

Patrick scowls, but relents at the doctor's suggestion. They both turn to look at Pete, who seems lost in thought.

"Um, what?" Pete squeaks out once he realizes the occupants in the room are looking at him. Patrick rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. Leave it to Pete to daydream when they're in the middle of a discussion.

"Mister Wentz, I highly advise Mister Stump to join therapy-"

Patrick growls and cuts the doctor off. "No! How many times do I have to tell you no? I am not joining therapy!"

"'Trick," Pete calls, and Patrick shifts his glare to the man next to him, "look, just go for one or two sessions, then-"

"No! Pete! The tour!" Patrick feels like ripping his hair off. Why can't anyone get that he's perfectly fine? He's alive and breathing, and that's all that matters. He doesn't need therapy to get through the day just because the doctor advises him to. He sighs and fiddles with his thumb. "Please don't take music away from me. That's all I have left."

"Doc, is there any way if you can get a therapist to come with him for the tour?"

Patrick's ears perk at Pete's suggestion. It's not a bad idea, but he still doesn't like how they insist him on going for therapy.

"That can be arranged."

-

Patrick begins to pack up his shirts and pulls open the drawer. As he takes some of the shirts out, he notices the white corner of a document he knows all too well. He stares at the paper for a while before finally closing the drawer.

He remembers vividy the moment when Pete blew up in the hospital. Pete seemed surprised and clueless when Patrick had asked him for a divorce. Patrick would have thought that Pete would smile and thank him.  _'Thank you! You have no idea how much you made my job easier! So, I'll see you in court soon, okay?'_

But Pete could have just been acting. He fooled Patrick for months, so Patrick called Pete being clueless bullshit. That just makes Patrick angrier. If Pete wanted to divorce him, then why did he have to look so surprised?

"You're leaving?"

Patrick hears Pete from the door, and he doesn't raise his head to look at him. "Tour."

"Are you going alone? I can drop you off at the airport," Pete offers. Patrick huffs to himself. Pete doesn't have to pretend to actually care about Patrick, he's fine on his own. Patrick can manage himself.

"You don't have to. I can go by myself," he pauses, then looks at Pete. No matter what Pete says or does, Patrick will continue to stick with his decision. He doesn't want to go back to the dark place again. "We'll discuss about the divorce after the tour."

"Patrick, you can't leave me. We'll work this out, like we always do. Patrick-"

"Pete, I…" Patrick sighs and closes his eyes. His self-control is shaking at Pete's pleading voice, and if he looks at Pete, he's sure to cave in. He takes a deep breath and composes himself, using all his power to not back down at Pete's expression. He looks so remorseful and Patrick actually feels bad for doing this to him. "I've signed the papers," he states quietly.

"What papers?" Pete blinks at him, clueless.

And Patrick goes back to being mad at him again. He doesn't understand why Pete keeps pretending he doesn't know anything about that one document. "The divorce papers," he mutters and averts his gaze. He can't look at Pete in the eye if they're talking about their divorce, it's too painful for him to even think about it and he doesn't want Pete to see him shed tears. "I found them in the drawer," he adds quietly and closes his suitcase, heaving it down to the floor.

"The divorce papers?" Pete asks, confused. "No, no! No, 'Trick! That's not- I didn't- I didn't even take the papers!" He splutters.

Patrick keeps his mouth pressed in a tight line and walks out of their bedroom, carrying his bag. Pete has become too good of an actor and it almost convinces Patrick that Pete really doesn't know anything about the divorce papers.

"Patrick, it wasn't me! I promise! It must've been Mikey!"

Patrick pauses in his step, body tensed, then droops after a few seconds. Somehow, everything always comes back to him. He bites his lip in an attempt to make sure his voice is steady before he speaks. "Mikey was in our bedroom?"

"No, Patrick. I mean, yeah, but no-" He hears Pete's exasperated voice and laughs. Pete can never get out of the hole he digs himself into, and Patrick will never get over the fact that  _Mikey had been in their bedroom_. Probably sleeping on their bed too, maybe on Patrick's side, and fucking each other when Patrick's away. "Tell me when you have the answer figured out."

"No-"

Patrick lets out an exasperated sigh and closes his eyes. He needs to get out of the house fast. "Look, after the tour- when the tour is finished, we'll get the divorce finalized. Then you can be with him. I'll move out of the house-"

"Patrick, just, hold on for a second! Patrick!"

Patrick just keeps on walking to the door, only pausing when Pete blocks the way. "Patrick, I love you, not him," Pete says softly.

He looks down at his shoes and runs his fingers through his hair, smiling to himself. It's been a long time since he last heard those words coming from Pete's mouth, and the fact that Pete chooses now to say it when Patrick is leaving him is the last straw.

"Pete, I love you, I really do," he takes a deep breath and side-steps the other man, "but I don't think I can trust you anymore. I'm sorry."

He leaves the house without looking back.

-

_"So, Mister Stump, how would you describe yourself?"_

_"Private."_

-

Patrick loves sleeping, but he loves making music more. He can run away from his problems if he's unconscious, but sometimes the problems chase him even in his dreams. Music, on the other hand, keeps his minds off of things effectively. That's why while he's supposed to be resting in his dressing room, he's on GarageBand instead. It calms him down whenever music is involved, and he feels like his life is slowly building itself back.

He shrieks when a familiar figure enters his line of vision. "Pete! What are you doing here?!" He jumps behind the sofa and tries to regulate his breathing. He doesn't even realize Pete entering his room.

"I, uh, I miss you," Pete smiles sheepishly. Patrick gives him a suspicious look and just stands on his spot, not moving an inch. "Patrick, we'll talk. We'll just talk," Pete says gently, raising his hands in the air. "I won't do anything, okay? I promise."

"What do you want, Pete?"

"I just want to talk. Let's… let's start from the beginning. What else did I do, other than… you know," Pete trails off, looking up at Patrick in embarrassment.

"Other than cheating on me, you mean," Patrick states bluntly.

"…yeah, I… I regretted what I did. I was stupid." Patrick agrees whole-heartedly at Pete's statement, but doesn't voice out. "What else did I do, 'Trick? Just tell me, I won't get mad. Please…"

Patrick looks down at the floor, remembering the night when Pete got drunk. He doesn't want to tell Pete about it, but Pete looks so…

"'Trick, I- I know you're mad, angry at me. I get it if- if you never want to see me or talk to me ever again, but I need to know all the wrong stuffs I've done. Please, 'Trick, I- I want to redeem myself."

Patrick peeks at him, biting his lip. If Pete somehow manages to coax him again, he might just tell Pete everything out of pity.

"You can tell me. I won't interrupt or get mad or anything," Pete says softly.

Patrick knows he has already lost this fight. He can never really win against Pete anyway. "You… Pete, you, that night," he squeezes his eyes shut. It's too hard for him to tell Pete.

"…Pete, you were drunk that night," Patrick mumbles. He's hoping Pete would drop it at that, but seeing Pete's encouraging nod, he knows Pete won't stop until Patrick tells him everything. "You were really drunk, Pete," he looks at Pete sadly, wishing Pete would understand what he's trying to convey.

"Shit. Did- did I do something that night? Did I hit you? God, 'Trick, did I hit you? I- I'm sorry-"

"Pete," Patrick calls him gently, stopping Pete from getting borderline hysterical. He curls in on himself as he tries to forget that night, especially the part where he had found the divorce papers.

"That wasn't all, was it?" Pete's shaky voice brings him back to reality. Patrick just keeps quiet, he doesn't really know how to lie to Pete. "Shit. What else happened that night?"

A knock on the door and a muffled "Souncheck!" catch their attention, and Patrick couldn't be any more thankful for the interruption. But Pete is looking expectantly at him and he just crumbles.

"You… you didn't hear me," Patrick mumbles and wipes his tears away. He doesn't remember when the tears have started falling. "I- I have to go now, Pete."

He quickly shuffles out of the room and lets out a sigh of relief. It's painful for him to even remember that night, and having to tell Pete about it is just the icing on the cake.

-

_"Is your mood like a roller coaster, or is it pretty steady?"_

_"Pretty steady."_

-

Patrick stares at his ringing phone, not making any motion to answer the call. He knows who is calling him just by the ringtone. He leans back on the couch and closes his eyes, ignoring his phone.

"Aren't you going to pick that up?"

"Should I?" Patrick replies back, not opening his eyes. He feels a dip on the couch and then Brendon is sitting next to him, handing him his phone.

"Just answer the phone, Patrick," Brendon chides him. "Maybe it's something important."

Just to get Brendon to stop babbling, he begrudgingly answers his phone. "What is it, Pete?"

_"'Trick, wait-"_

_"Pete."_  Patrick blinks at the unknown voice. He knows for a fact that it's not Mikey's voice. He is about to ask who the other person is when the person continues.

_"Uh, Mister Stump, Wentz, Patrick. Hi, it's Bill, Pete's friend. I, uh-"_

Patrick shrugs when Brendon shoots him a confused look, mouthing  _what happened_. Bill, Patrick recalls his name, is taking a long time to continue his sentence so Patrick decides to break the silence between them.

"Oh, hello. Patrick will be just fine. Nice to meet you?"

_"'Trick, please come back! I- I need to see you!"_

Patrick sighs when he hears Pete's voice. "Pete, look-" He's ready to spew some lies, he's in the middle of interview or something, when Bill chimes in.

_"I'm really sorry to interrupt, but Pete is having a breakdown. Do you know how to calm him down? He's been asking for you and I know that's impossible since you're on tour and out of state and- and I'm rambling, but please help Pete."_

Patrick frowns and closes his eyes. He can't believe Pete would stoop so low that he asked his friend to help him, just to talk to Patrick. He sighs when Pete's voice becomes clearer; Pete must have turn off the speaker. At least Patrick doesn't have to act nice now that no one can hear him.

_"'Trick, please, please-"_

"I'm busy, Pete. Make it fast."

_"I'm sorry, 'Trick! Please- please make it stop! I want to see you, please, 'Trick, I need- I- I miss you, so much, Patrick, love, I love you, please-"_

"Tell that to Mikey," Patrick ends the call and tosses his phone in a general direction. Even with his eyes closed, he can just feel Brendon's gaze on him. His phone begins to ring for the second time, and they both ignore the ringing phone. Brendon doesn't ask a single question, and Patrick doesn't say a single word.

-

_"Who or what is most important to you in your life? "_

_"Music, definitely."_

_"What about your family?"_

_"Yeah. My parents and my siblings."_

-

As much as Patrick loves spending time with his friends on their tour bus, he loves it even more when they have hotel nights. Right now, as he makes his way to his hotel room, he can already imagine the softness of the mattress beneath him when he lies down.

He opens the door to his room and enters, taking off his fedora and placing it on a table. He can't wait to take a quick shower and just sleep for the night. He startles when a voice breaks the silence in the room. He turns around and stiffens when he sees Pete on the bed.

"Holy smokes! Pete! What are you doing here?!" He rubs his chest in an attempt to calm his racing heartbeat. He definitely doesn't expect Pete to be in his hotel room in the middle of the night.

"I miss you, 'Trick… have you been eating?" Pete frowns as he eyes Patrick.

"Like any other day," Patrick rolls his eyes. He's surprised that the lie easily rolls out of his mouth like it's nothing. He usually can't keep a straight face when lying to Pete right in his face. "Seriously, Pete, what are you doing here? Don't you have practice?" He bites back what he's going to say about Mikey; he always finds it hard to say his name in front of Pete.

"'Trick, please tell me what happened the night I got drunk," Pete states calmly.

"Pete, I thought we got over this," Patrick sighs and crosses his arms, leaning against the table where he previously placed his fedora. "Regardless of what people said, you're a smart person, Pete. I'm sure you had it all figured out the moment I left the other day."

"I want to hear it from your mouth. I- I want to know if it's true," Pete pleads, "please, 'Trick. I can't sleep at night thinking about it."

"Pete…" Patrick sighs. Pete's expression and voice somehow are able to shake his resolve from being cold towards him. "If you think it's true, then maybe it is. If it isn't, then it isn't," he mumbles out loud enough that Pete can still hear. It's still painful for him to talk about that night, and he just wishes that Pete would just drop the subject.

He immediately tenses when Pete walks closer to him. Flashes of images of that night bombards his mind, but he manages to gain his composure back.

"Tell me the truth, 'Trick. I can handle it."

This is what Patrick hates the most; how he falls easily to Pete's demands no matter how much he resists it.

"I know you don't trust me, but you need to believe me on this one. You have to. Believe me when I say I can deal with it," Pete urges him. "Okay, okay. How about this? You just say 'yes' or 'no', is that okay?"

Patrick knows he's already lost and there's no way out, so he nods, giving Pete the signal to start the questions.

"Did I hit you?"

He hunches his shoulders. He's mad at himself for not being strong enough to deny Pete's request. He knows with each answered questions, Pete's guilt would grow bigger and he would beat himself for it. With that thought, Patrick suddenly feels bold and in charge; he  _wants_  Pete to suffer. Without any further delay, he answers. "Yes."

"Did I strike you with a belt?" Pete continues.

He remembers the way Pete strike him repeatedly with it, each strike more painful than the last. He unconsciously rubs his arm before answering. "Yes."

He sees the way Pete taking a deep breath and he follows suit. He knows what the next question will be.

"Did I, or did I not rape you?"

Patrick prays that they wouldn't come to this point. It's excruciating for him to remember, and as much as he wants Pete to suffer for his actions, he doesn't want Pete to know the answer. That action wasn't Pete's fault.

"Define it," Patrick mumbles, looking at carpeted floor. He can't bring himself to say the word, so he just hopes that Pete understands what he's asking for. He will only give his answer by Pete's definition.

"Oh. Uh, when someone is being forceful? Even- even when you say no or stop, I guess," Pete fumbles with his words. "Not consensual."

Patrick closes his eyes. He's hoping Pete would give a different definition so he wouldn't have to say yes. "Do you really need the answer for that, Pete? Can't we just drop it? I…" he swallows; suddenly it's hard for him to lie to Pete. "I've forgotten about it, so please, Pete…"

"I need to know, 'Trick. I've been going crazy thinking about this. I hate not knowing anything. I don't know if it's a nightmare or- just- just tell me, please," Pete begs.

"Pete…" Patrick sighs and hugs himself, not looking at Pete. He doesn't want to see Pete's expression when he finally tells him.

"Yeah, Pete. You… you did."

Wanting to end their conversation, he exits the room wordlessly, leaving Pete standing in the middle of the room. Patrick can just spend the rest of the night at the bar or in Brendon's room. He just wants to get away from Pete.

-

_"Is there something you have never told anyone? Feelings? Thoughts? An event? A dream?"_

_"No. I don't generally keep secrets from anyone."_

-

Patrick couldn't be more glad that the interview has wrapped up. He's dead tired and he can't wait to find a bed and just fall asleep. He takes out his phone to check the time, and is surprised when the phone vibrates in his hand. He takes a look at his surrounding and notices that there aren't many people in the area.

"Pete," he greets once he answers.

_"'Trick. 'Trick, I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you."_

"Not really, no," Patrick closes his eyes, rubbing his temple. "Just finished an interview."

_"Um, sorry, 'Trick. About that night."_

Patrick sighs. Pete's still feeling guilty over something that wasn't in his control. "I've already forgotten about it, Pete." Patrick hasn't, actually, but he knows Pete needs to hear the words. "It wasn't you, it was the alcohol."

_"I- I know. But if I hadn't been drinking, then maybe-"_

"Pete," Patrick interrupts him, voice stern. "What's done is done. I've forgotten about it, I've forgiven you about it, so don't think about it."

_"'Trick…"_

"Knowing you, you probably haven't been sleeping thinking about this," Patrick continues.

_"Yeah… I- I can't sleep. The nightmares keep coming."_

"That's because you think too much," Patrick rolls his eyes even though he knows Pete can't see him.

_"I know, and I miss you, 'Trick… I'm really sorry about everything. I want to see you."_

Patrick purses his lip at Pete's reply. He doesn't know how to respond, so he just sighs. "Go to sleep, Pete. Good luck on your semi-final game."

He ends the call and puts away his phone. He suddenly feels more awake and energized than before, and he refuses to believe it's because of Pete.

-

_"How well do you get along with your husband?"_

_"Pretty well."_

_"Do you love him?"_

_"Love is subjective, don't you think so?"_

-

Patrick almost yelps when he sees Pete in his hotel room again. "God, Pete. Some day you're going to be the death of me," he exclaims as he rubs his chest to calm his wild beating heart.

"Sorry, sorry," Pete stutters, looking up at him in apology. "I- I miss you."

Patrick raises an eyebrow and snorts at him. The last time Pete said that was to ask him for something. "Just spill already."

"I want answers, please," Pete blurts out. Patrick looks at him in confusion and leans against a table, crossing his arms. "Answers to what? I thought I gave you the answers the last time we met."

"About, you know, the whole thing about me and…" Pete trails off, avoiding Patrick's gaze.

Patrick frowns at the dark-haired man. "You and Mikey?" He can't help the sharp tone in his voice, but secretly revels in delight when Pete winces before nodding. "Yeah."

"Go ahead," Patrick sighs, running his fingers through his hair. They're divorcing after his tour ends, so he supposes Pete deserves answers.

"How- how long have you known?" Pete asks, looking at Patrick.

"How long have you been with him?" Patrick asks back.

"Nine, ten months ago…" Pete confesses with a small voice. If Patrick didn't know any better, he'd say Pete's ashamed of it. He snorts at the thought. If there's one thing Pete would be ashamed of, it would be Patrick. That's why Pete's been seeing someone else behind his back.

"Long before Folie was in production, huh," Patrick comments. He shoots Pete a knowing look and a wry smile as Pete fumbles with his sentence. "Then- then- wait, that means-"

"You knew…" Pete gapes at him, "you knew and- and- those songs on Folie, are they about me?"

Patrick shrugs his shoulder, not saying a word. He's not going to say that the whole album is about Pete.

"'Trick… you knew all along. You  _knew_  all along and- and you didn't tell me? Confront me?"

Patrick sighs and untangle his arms. "I wanted you to come clean, Pete. I've waited for months, but obviously I'm not that important enough," he chuckles dryly. "Guess we made the right decision to get a divorce, huh?"

Patrick just closes his eyes when Pete presses their foreheads together. He can feel Pete's warmth seeping to him, crawling under his skin. "I didn't make the decision, 'Trick. I don't want a divorce. I'm not going to divorce you."

Pete caresses his face and he relaxes slightly into Pete's touch. "I… I made a big mistake, I know. But, Patrick, I love you, not him, not anyone else."

Patrick smiles to himself. He's not going to fall for a simple  _'I love you'_ , he's stronger than that. Besides, they've already decided to get a divorce. No matter what Pete says, he's going to ignore them. Pete loves Mikey, anyway. Not Patrick. "Yeah, I know. But you're just confused right now."

Patrick lets out a soft gasp when Pete pulls him into a kiss. He hates how he always gives in to Pete without meaning to, it's as if like it's his second nature. The move seems to come naturally to him without even thinking.

"Please don't say anything. Just for tonight. Please," Pete whispers and Patrick closes his eyes. He wants so badly to close the distance between them, but he won't. If he kisses him, all his self-control would crumble and he would go back to the way he was before, pining and clinging and miserable.

"Pete, you really need to stop coming to my shows. Your season isn't over yet, remember?" Patrick sighs.

"Stop pushing me away, 'Trick. Our problem won't solve by itself if you keep running away."

Patrick leans into Pete and hates how much he misses his husband's touch. "Come on," he hears Pete's soft voice calling him, and trails of goosebumps appear when Pete's hand slides from his neck to his wrist.

He doesn't dare to open his eyes and lets himself being handled by Pete. He can feel all of Pete's emotions in their kiss- desire, passion, guilt, remorse, and something else he can't put a name on, and Patrick just melts into the kiss. He kisses back just as desperately and tells himself that it's just for one night, and drops all his guard down, drowning himself in Pete.

-

_I'm sorry for last night._

Patrick places the note on the table and stares at the sleeping form of his husband. He had stirred from his sleep earlier than Pete and just lay on the bed, staring at Pete's sleeping face. He traced his fingers along Pete's jaw and leaned close, but immediately pulled away when he realized what he's about to do. He quickly got out of bed and cleaned himself, and here he is now, watching Pete sleeping.

Three times. Three times Pete has come to his shows,  _to see him_ \- even though he's in the middle of his season, and three times Patrick has left him hanging, without a simple goodbye or anything. It reminds him of the times when Pete would sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to see Mikey. Patrick knew, because he was pretending to be asleep when Pete sneaked out. Pete didn't even glance at him, didn't even say anything, he'd just walk out of the room quietly. With one last look at Pete, he exits the room.

_I want to make you as lonely as me._

-

_"What went right in your life at this point?"_

_"I'm pursuing the career I've always loved."_

_"What didn’t turn out the way you would have liked it to?"_   
  
_"None that I can think of."_

-

Patrick laughs as Brendon tells them the story of their latest prank gone wrong. He's having breakfast at a local cafe with Brendon and their bands when his phone begins to ring.

"Sorry," he apologizes to them and takes out his phone, staring at the name on the screen. He debates on whether to answer the call, but everyone is staring at him and he has no choice but to answer it.

"Hey, morn-" Patrick doesn't manage to get the word out when he is cut off. He shoots them an apologetic look and goes to somewhere private.

 _"What the actual fuck, Patrick?! Did you seriously think last night was a one night stand?!"_  Patrick lets out a frustrated sigh and clenches his fist to calm himself down.  _"I don't know about you, Patrick, but people don't have one night stands with their spouses!"_

Patrick rolls his eyes at Pete's sentence. "People also don't sleep with other people except their spouses."

_"Patrick, you… Patrick, I know, I made a mistake, and-"_

"Hey, Pete. I have to go. Interview's starting," Patrick ends the call and looks at his phone. He knows he's being a little hypocritical, but he's only slept with Brendon once. Pete, on the other hand, God knows how many times he has slept with Mikey.

And if Pete thinks that last night is going to make their marriage fine again, then he's dead wrong. Patrick's not going to let him off the hook that easy, not after what he had gone through. He plasters a smile on his face and walks back to the table where everyone is waiting.

"So, what did I miss?"

-

_"'Trick, hey, love, it will be okay," Pete smiled as he held Patrick's face. Patrick closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing, but soon found himself gasping for air._

_"I'm here, love. Open your eyes."_

_Patrick listened to Pete's voice and opened his eyes slowly, heart calming down at the sight of the dark haired man in front of him. "I- I'm scared, Pete. What if I messed up? What if everyone hated it? What if-"_

_He stopped in his rambling when Pete kissed him lightly. "You'll be fine, love. Everyone will love you," Patrick sighed blissfully as Pete pressed another kiss, "I love you."_

_"I know… but it's my first show, and I- I'm just nervous performing for other people," Patrick slumped his shoulder. "Hundreds pairs of eyes will be on me and- and, I don't know, judging me, or something."_

_"Trust me, love. They'll love you, and I'll be standing here, cheering for you from the side," Pete smiled and rubbed Patrick's back. "You'll do great, just like you always do."_

_Patrick looked up at him and a slow smile crept up on his face. He didn't know what he would do without Pete in his life, he didn't even want to imagine what would happen if he and Pete were to split up one day. He wrapped his arms around Pete and pulled him close, holding him tight. He didn't care if there were other people around them, crew members running around the backstage or the hosts preparing to get on the set, but as long as Pete's with him, he knew everything will be fine. "Thanks, Pete. I love you."_

_"I love you too, Patrick, forever and always."_

-

Patrick grabs his phone when it buzzes, frowning when he sees the name. He clicks on the notification and reads the message.

_From: Pete_   
_23:45:12_   
_we won the final. i'll fly tomorrow then we'll celebrate?_

"Who's it from?"

Patrick looks up from his phone and notices Brendon in his room, plopping down on the couch next to him. "Pete," Patrick answers nonchalantly.

"What did he say?" Brendon inquires, grabbing Patrick's phone and reads the content. "Wow. Huge congratulations to him and his team," he comments and hands Patrick his phone back. "Aren't you going to reply him?"

"Why should I? He doesn't bother to reply any of my texts before," Patrick mutters bitterly, flipping his phone in his hand. He hears Brendon sighs next to him and he frowns. He doesn't get why Brendon seems to decide to take pity on Pete. His phone rings and he stares at the name. He protests when Brendon takes his phone and presses answer, then presses it next to Patrick's ear. Patrick smacks the other man on the arm before answering. "Hello?"

_"'Trick."_

"Pete." There's an awkward pause between them, and before it can drag any longer, Patrick decides to break the silence. "Uh, hey, congrats for winning."

 _"Thanks."_  Patrick almost smiles at that one word. He can just imagine Pete with his stupid grin on the other side.  _"So, the team is throwing a party, and they're inviting everyone. I was wondering if you could join us?"_

 _"Join us, please!"_  Patrick laughs as he recalls the other voice on the line. "You must be Bill!"

He hears Bill's laughter and he smiles to himself. He can't remember the last time he laughs freely like Bill did. Bill sounds so happy and so carefree Patrick almost feels jealous at him.

_"Please, please join! We're going to make this party the best one ever! Call it the party of the lifetime! Join us, Patrick!"_

Bill seems so excited to have Patrick to join his party that Patrick compels to say yes. He's about to give his answer when another distinct voice comes from the speaker.

_"Yeah, Patrick. Join us."_

Patrick tenses and clenches his jaw.  _Mikey_. Of course he'd be there. Mikey would probably rub all over his face if he were to come for the party, but Patrick can't bring himself to say no to Bill. "Yeah," he mumbles, ending the call.

"So, what did Pete want?" Brendon asks expectantly. "You laughed. Did he say something? What happened?"

"He invited me for their celebration party," Patrick sighs, tossing his phone upwards and catches it mid-air.

"Are you going?"

Patrick snorts and leans his head back. "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous." Patrick will never shake off the fact that Pete ditched him on his celebration party- the important night of his life, because apparently  _his teammate is more important than his own husband_.

"How long are you going to treat him like this?" Brendon frowns.

"The same amount of time he did the same to me," Patrick snaps at the younger man.

"Ten months? A year? Are you sure about that, Patrick? Are you sure you can handle another year of misery?"

"I've handled those months just fine, Brendon," Patrick grits his teeth, glaring up at him. "I want to see him miserable. I want him to suffer. I want him to feel the way I felt back then. I won't stop until he gets what he deserves."

"Patrick… you almost ended your life," Brendon says quietly, not saying anything further. Patrick narrows his eyes at Brendon.

"He loves you," Brendon continues when Patrick keeps quiet, "I had a talk with him the other day, and as much as I hate the guy, he's… he's really sorry about everything, Patrick. I can see it in his eyes, he really loves you," Brendon pats softly him on the back, "and I know deep down, you love him too."

"I don't-" Patrick begins to snap, but cuts himself off and keeps his mouth shut.

"You don't what?" Brendon arches his eyebrow in question, crossing his arms.

Patrick glares at him and stiffens his back. What Brendon said is completely wrong. Patrick's  _not_  and he  _doesn't_  whatever it is that Brendon said.

"You still love him, Patrick. Stop lying to yourself."

"I'm not," Patrick states firmly and clenches his fist.

"Then look me in the eye and say that you don't love him," Brendon eyes him levelly, posing a challenge.

Patrick's glare increases tenfold, his face turns red with rage. "I don't love him," he growls out, pronouncing each word clearly one by one. He's not going to let Brendon win.

"Say his name," Brendon glares back with equal intensity. "Say that you don't love Pete."

Patrick bites the insides of his cheek and shoves Brendon away, walking to the door. "I don't need this shit from you."

"You can lie all you want, Patrick. But you know I'm telling the truth."

-

_"What wrongs have been done to you that you haven’t forgiven?"_

_"…there's none. I… I've forgiven everything."_

-

Patrick turns around when the door to his dressing room is open. He just stares at the man that enters and closes the door shut, giving them privacy.

"Why are we like this, 'Trick?" Pete asks softly, and Patrick leans into his touch. He's not going to deny the fact that he misses his husband, but their circumstances got his head in a jumble and he doesn't know what to think.

Patrick smiles at him, he's definitely going to miss Pete when everything ends. "Things have changed, Pete. We spent almost half our lives with each other. You obviously need someone else-"

"Patrick, no! I don't need anyone else. I don't want anyone else," Pete pulls him close, hugging him, "I need you, I want you."

Patrick clings to the back of Pete's jacket, burying his nose in the crook of Pete's shoulder, inhaling his scent and blinking back his tears. He doesn't ever want to let go of Pete, but he also doesn't want to risk the chance of getting his heart broken again. He reluctantly pulls away and swallows down the lump in his throat, smiling at the man in front of him. "Pete… it's okay if you're looking for someone else. I… I understand. You must have gotten bored of me, so it's okay," he ignores the way his voice breaks and the tear that has already fallen and continues, "Really, Pete, I'm not mad anymore. I already forgave you."

Pete brushes the tears on Patrick's eyes with his thumb and cradles his face gently. "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm not, Pete…" Patrick sighs and holds Pete's hand in his, relishing the warmth for the last time. "I'm just tired. Remember when I said I wasn't as weak as everyone thought?" A small self-deprecating laugh escapes his mouth, "I lied. I was weak, I am weak. I only said that so you wouldn't do anything stupid."

"I wouldn't-"

"Yeah, you would. I know you, Pete. We've known each other for almost fifteen years now," Patrick points out. He knows Pete would go crazy and in his attempt to fix things, he would actually damage more than he would fix.

"Patrick-"

Patrick slowly lets go of Pete's hand when Pete's phone rings. By the look on his face, he already knows who is calling him. "It's Mikey, isn't it?"

"Patrick, please…" Pete looks at him, pleading as the phone continues to ring.

Patrick takes one look at Pete and he can feel his heart breaking and shattering all over again at Pete's expression. He smiles at the other man despite the tears that are streaming down his face. "Go be with him, Pete. The tour is almost over, so the next time we see each other, you can really be with him. I won't be in your way."

"Patrick, wait-"

Patrick takes a step close to him and presses a kiss on his cheek, lingering for a few seconds. This is as close as he can get to Pete before their divorce is finalized, so he cherishes the moment while it lasts. "Goodbye, Pete."

He leaves the room without looking back. If he did, he doesn't think he can live the rest of his life with that crushed look on Pete's face etched at the back of his mind.

-

_Patrick laughed as Pete pulled him to his lap, tickling his sides. "Pete! Stop! That- that tickles!" He squealed and curled on Pete's lap, laughing._

_Pete stopped tickling him and Patrick peeked from under his lashes. His face heated up when Pete smiled fondly at him, caressing his face and leaning down to kiss his forehead._

_"I love you, Patrick, forever and always."_

_Patrick smiled back and tilted his head, connecting their lips in a kiss. "I love you too, Pete. I'll always be by your side."_

_"Till death do us part," Pete grinned, lacing their fingers together._

_Patrick laughed and brought their laced fingers to his lip, kissing Pete's knuckle. "Till death do us part."_

-

"Are you okay?" Brendon asks, patting him on the back. Patrick snaps out of his reverie and looks up at Brendon, smiling. "What makes you think I'm not?"

"Patrick…" Brendon starts, "Patrick, you do realize you're crying, right?"

Patrick slowly raises his hand to touch his face and is shocked to find his cheeks damped with tears. "I- I…" Patrick bites his lip. He doesn't know what to say. He has nothing to say.

Brendon pulls him into his arms and rubs his back, and Patrick continues to cry on his shoulder, for reasons he himself doesn't know.

-

_"How would you like to improve your life to be more satisfied and happy?"_

_"I'm already satisfied with my life."_

_"Are you happy?"_

_"You can't have both at the same time."_

_-_

Patrick stares at the screen of his phone. All day long, his phone has been buzzing and ringing continuously from his friends and the press. He puts it on silent and places it in his pocket, refusing to answer even a single call.

Everyone had been giving him weird looks earlier that morning, and he caught traded whispers when he passed by.  _"I feel sorry for him. I hope it's just a rumour."_  He tried his best to ignore it, but he couldn't handle another pitied look and promptly cornered Brendon once he saw the younger man.

_"Spill," Patrick crossed his arms. "People keep giving me looks and they're all talking about a rumour, and I want to know what the rumour is."_

_"You… you haven't heard it yet?" Brendon asked, looking down at Patrick._

_Patrick huffed in frustration. "That look! That's the look they gave me! Was the rumour so bad that-"_

_"Patrick, Pete got someone pregnant."_

He shoves his hands in his pockets and sits at the edge of the stage, dangling his feet. In an attempt to get away from everyone, he sneaks into the arena that they will be performing the next night. He doesn't know what to do with the huge bombshell that Brendon had dropped. He forgave Pete, he has already forgiven Pete for the countless times he had slept with Mikey. He's ready to part on good terms with Pete, but Brendon's words keep ringing in his ear.

_"Patrick, Pete got someone pregnant."_

With that huge revelation, Patrick can't help but wonder just how many people that Pete cheated on him with. He's seen the pictures of the model, and he notices the resemblance between the model and Mikey. Both are beautiful, tall, skinny,  _perfect_. And he himself is…

"Whatever you're thinking, stop it."

He tilts his head and sees Brendon. He looks back at the hands in his lap as Brendon sits next to him. "How do you know what I'm thinking?" Patrick mumbles.

"I've known you since we're in school, Patrick. Give me some credit," Brendon nudges him. "So, how are you handling it?"

Patrick shrugs and leans towards Brendon, shifting closer when Brendon wraps his arms around him. "How else should I handle it?"

"You promised, right, Brendon?" Patrick asks quietly after a moment of silence. "That night, you said you'd take me away if Pete fucked up again."

"Yeah," Brendon drops a kiss on his head. "Of course I remember."

"As soon as the tour ends, we're getting the divorce finalized," Patrick sighs. He feels Brendon stiffens next to him, but he pays no heed. "Then I'm moving out. I'm planning to look for a house in-"

"Wait, what? Divorce?" Brendon cuts him off, "how come I didn't know about this? When did you ask him for a divorce?"

"At the hospital," Patricks mumbles. "And I've already signed the papers-"

He's interrupted when Brendon twists him so they're face to face. "You're serious," Brendon says slowly. "You're really divorcing him."

Patrick nods slightly and slouches forward, leaning his forehead on Brendon's shoulder. "I'm really tired, Bren."

He relaxes when Brendon pulls him into his arms, raking his fingers through his hair. "Get some rest now. I'll be here," Brendon whispers next to his ear. Patrick closes his eyes and soon falls asleep to the sound of Brendon's voice singing softly.

When Patrick wakes up an hour later, he notices that Brendon is still holding him. He shifts into a more comfortable position, wincing slightly when he feels pain on his back and neck, and hums softly as Brendon rubs circles on his back.

"Good nap?"

Patrick nods and lets out a small whine when Brendon moves away to jump down from the stage. "You're going to hurt your back if you keep sleeping like that," Brendon advises him. "Come on, let's go back to the hotel."

Patrick sighs and holds out his hand to Brendon, which Brendon takes it amusedly and helps him to get down. They make their way back to the hotel in silence, with the exception of Patrick yawning every few minutes.

When they have reached Patrick's room, Brendon stops him before he can enter. He gives Brendon a confused look. "What's the matter?"

"You're really okay?"

Patrick knows where this conversation is going, but he's too tired to pretend he doesn't know what Brendon is talking about. He just sighs and rubs his neck. "My therapist is here, Brendon. I don't think I can get away with overdosing again. All my pills are with her."

"Patrick…"

Patrick pulls Brendon into the room and closes the door, instantly burying himself in the younger man's arms. "Can you stay for a while? I don't think- I can't- I don't-" he chokes out, voice breaking at the end. He had thought that he can stay strong, that any rumours concerning Pete wouldn't affect him in any way,  _that he's over Pete_ , but he finally realizes all of those are just lies he tells himself to make himself feel better. A weak sob escapes his mouth and he wipes his eyes. "Please, Brendon."

Brendon tightens his hold on him and Patrick clings back just as tight, not letting go. "Of course."

-

Night arrives and he's glad that everyone treats him like usual, as opposed to earlier that morning. His band cracks jokes with each other and pulls pranks on Brendon and his band and he appreciates the effort on how they all tried to cheer him up.

He bids them goodnight and makes his way to his room. He exits the elevator and notices that the other elevator stops on the same floor as him. The door to the elevator opens, revealing the last person he wants to see. He takes a step back and immediately dashes to the direction of his room.

"Patrick! Patrick, wait! Patrick!"

Patrick forces his legs to run faster even though his lungs are burning. Pete is athletic and has no problem catching up to Patrick, but Patrick doesn't want to see Pete, so he really needs to outrun him.

His eyes light up as the door to his room enters his sight, and he uses the last of his energy to sprint towards it, taking out his key card and curses when it won't enter the slot. He gasps when Pete pulls him, trapping him against the wall.

"Patrick, it's not true! All of it!" Pete blurts. Patrick averts his gaze and bats Pete's hand away when he places his hand on his jaw. His heart is beating fast from running and the close distance between them. If the surrounding is any quieter, he's sure that Pete can hear his frantic heartbeat.

"Patrick! Listen to me! They're rumours! They're not true!"

"There wouldn't be any rumours if you've done nothing to start it, would it?" Patrick snaps at him. He doesn't know what's true and what's false anymore, and he doesn't want to know.

"Patrick, I swear-"

"Pete," Patrick stops him, closing his eyes and tries to calm his breathing. He can feel a panic attack coming his way and he doesn't want to break down in front of Pete.

"Pete, just, leave me alone," he mutters and manages to open the door in one try, entering the room and closing the door before Pete can enter or say another word. He slides down to the floor with his back against the door, letting the tears fall freely.

"Patrick, please… I'm sorry…" Pete apologizes from the other side, his voice muffled by the door between them. "Even- even if the child is mine, I won't leave you, Patrick… I won't leave you for anyone else."

Patrick hears a solid thump against the door and he pulls his knees to his chest. Pete is probably sitting on the other side, leaning his head on the door. He sniffles quietly as he waits for Pete to continue.

"I- I can't sleep without you. I keep dreaming about you. I don't want us to be over, Patrick… don't tell me we're over, please… tell me we're not over. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't want to live without you…"

Patrick turns around and presses his forehead against the door, eyes squeezed shut as more tears fall from his eyes. Pete is still outside, still talking to him through the door, but he can't bring himself to open it.

"Patrick… I know I've done a lot of shit, but please, 'Trick, love, Patrick, I'm sorry, I- I love you. I love you, Patrick."

A sob escapes his mouth as he curls his fingers into a fist and he presses himself closer to the door, thinking that if he tries hard enough, maybe the door would magically disappear and he would fall into Pete's arms.

"I- I suppose you don't want to see me. But… but I'll see you tomorrow night. I'm really sorry about this, about everything, 'Trick. I love you, Patrick… forever and always."

Patrick furiously wipes his tears away, eyes wide in desperation when he hears Pete standing up and walking away, and his nails scratch the door as if to call Pete back. The sound of Pete's footsteps fades away and he breaks into another full-blown tears. He's falling. Patrick knows and he's aware that he's falling fast and hard, back to the place where he has tried so hard to escape from.

_Pete, please don't leave me again._

-

_"How are you feeling today?"_

_"Tired."_

-

They still have an hour left before the concert begins, and Patrick knows Pete is somewhere backstage so he stays in his dressing room until someone calls him. In the mean time, he spends his time pressing up against Brendon, taking comfort in his presence before he sees Pete.

"Do you still love me, Brendon?" Patrick asks softly, breaking the silence in the room.

"I will never stop loving you," Brendon whispers, "ever."

He relishes in the way Brendon plays with his hair; the gesture never fails to soothe him. He relaxes and drowns himself in nostalgia. Pete used to do the same to him before he's involved with Mikey.

"Even when I'm broken? Fucked up beyond repair?" He burrows himself deeper and smiles sadly to himself. Pete could've been on the other side of the door and yet here he is, together with Brendon, in close proximity. The dark part of his mind suddenly wishes that Pete can see this. He wants to see the furious look on Pete's face.

Brendon's voice breaks him out of his thought and he directs his attention back to him.

"Patrick, I will continue to love you even when you hate me."

Patrick chokes back a sob and laughs. He can't believe how chaotic his life has become, how troubled the three of them have become. He longs for the moment where they can spend time together again, joking and laughing and being happy in general, but he knows it's just a wishful thinking. They can never go back to the way they used to be.

He pushes himself away from Brendon and smiles up at him. He sees the redness in Brendon's eyes and his heart aches at the sight. He finally realizes how much Brendon has put up with him the entire time. Brendon has always stayed by his side, and Patrick has done nothing but taken advantage of Brendon's feelings towards him over and over again.

He stands on his toes and presses his lip on Brendon's forehead. He wants to apologize to Brendon for everything, but the words get stuck in his throat when he sees the way Brendon looks at him- innocent, full of love and understanding that Patrick has to blink back his tears from falling. He has seen that look before. He has seen that look on Brendon's face  _fifteen years ago_  and today.

Brendon seems to understand what he's trying to say because he just smiles in return. "Let's get ready. Everyone's probably looking for us."

-

Patrick doesn't like to make anyone worry about him, so when he's feeling light-headed since before they got to the arena, he keeps his mouth shut. He's still feeling light-headed when he was with Brendon in his dressing room an hour ago, and still feeling it now when he's only minutes away from going on stage.

He spots Pete shooting him worried looks but ignores him. He doesn't know how to face Pete after Brendon told him about the rumour, so he does the next best thing- ignoring him.

A crew member gives him a signal and he nods, taking a deep breath and walks to the stage with his band. He takes in the energy reverberating throughout the arena in the form of screaming fans. When the fans sing along with him, he can feel the weight of his problems lifts off from his chest, albeit temporarily.

He grins into the microphone and continues to sing, feeling light as if he can just float from the ground and fly.

_"Take a chance, let your body get a tolerance,_   
_I'm not a chance-"_

He steps away from the microphone as his vision blurs. He shakes his head and continues to sing, shrugging it off as just a small case of shortness of breath.

_"Pull a breath like another cigarette,_   
_Palms up-"_

He doesn't get to finish the line when he sees black surrounding him. He can hear everything- the crowd's murmurs, the crew's shouts and a familiar voice that he missed so much, and passes out before he can say anything.

-

Patrick lies on his side, curling in on himself, and stares at nothing in particular. He wishes Brendon were there with him, because he can't face Pete alone, not in this condition.

"Patrick, you should eat something," Pete says to him, bringing a spoonful of porridge near Patrick's mouth. Patrick keeps his mouth closed and hunches himself more.

"Just a bite, please."

Patrick pulls the blanket until it covers him and squeezes his eyes shut. It's not fair how easily Pete can make Patrick weak all over again. He feels the mattress beneath him dips- Pete's sitting on the bed with him, and then Pete's fingers in his hair. The innocent gesture brings tears to his eyes. He misses this. He misses this  _a lot_. He misses their intimacy.  _He misses Pete._

"At least tell me why you didn't eat. You're scaring me, Patrick. You're not like this."

Patrick wants so badly to scream the answer to Pete.  _I want to be thin for you. I want you to love me._  He bites his lip to stop himself from making any sounds and ignores the hot tears burning the back of his eyes.

"You've been admitted to the hospital twice in two months, Patrick. You're lucky the doctor still lets you go on your tour." He hears Pete takes a deep breath before continuing. "Patrick, we promised, remember? Our vows. You said that you'd never keep your problems to yourself. I… I wasn't there for you before, but I'm here now, so, please, 'Trick, I'm running out of options here."

Patrick's eyes snap wide open when Pete mentions his vow. He can't believe Pete still remembers it. His lip trembles as Pete rubs his side, he can feel Pete's comforting heat even through the cover.

"'Trick, talk to me, please…"

Patrick pulls down the cover slightly, uncovering his face. "Do you hate me, Pete?" He asks quietly. If he speaks any louder, he's sure his voice will crack.

"What? Patrick, no, of course not!" Patrick sighs when Pete grabs his hand. He misses Pete's touch. "Patrick, I love you. Don't ever say that."

"Then, why Mikey? Why the model?" Patrick ignores the lump in his throat, "Pete, am I… am I not good enough for you?"

"Patrick, no… You're perfect. That was just me being stupid and inconsiderate," Patrick's heart flutters when Pete kisses him lightly. "You're perfect," Pete whispers.

Patrick gains a little bit of courage and he raises his eyes to meet with Pete's. "I've tried so hard to make us work, Pete… I tried to make plans with you, have dinner together, invite you to all my shows, parties. I tried to be perfect for you. I…" Patrick bites his lip, he can feel the tears at the corner of his eyes, and continues in a soft voice, "I… I tried to become thin, and…"

He stops when Pete shakes his head, and looks at the other man in bewilderment.

"Please don't tell me that's why you've been starving yourself," Pete stares at him with fearful eyes. Patrick can only smile. "I'm thin now, aren't I?" He asks, voice a little smug.

He lets out a small gasp when Pete pulls him into a sitting position, hugging him. He relaxes and rests his forehead in the crook of Pete's neck. He's aware of the damp on his shirt, he's aware that Pete's crying because he's crying too.

"Was- was I the reason you became depressed?"

Patrick has had enough of the lies he's been feeding himself and Pete, so he just stays silent. Pete has suffered enough for the both of them.

"Oh, God, 'Trick, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Pete rambles with his apologies and Patrick burrows closer to Pete, nuzzling against Pete's shirt to dry his tears. "I'm sorry, Patrick, I love you."

Patrick's heart skips a beat at the three words. A smile breaks out on his face and he pulls away, looking up at Pete in happiness. "I know. I couldn't feel it the last time. But… I can feel it now. Like… it's warm…" he yawns and tries to keep his eyes open. He whines softly when Pete removes himself, missing his touch already, but soon hums in contentment when he lies down with Pete stroking him gently.

"Go to sleep, 'Trick. I'll be here when you wake up."

Patrick closes his eyes and lets himself being lulled to sleep. He thinks he mumbles something, but he's too sleepy to even notice. All he cares now is that he's done it.

All those months of starving himself finally pays off. He's finally skinny enough that Pete loves him again and he couldn't be any happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got the questions from Google. 
> 
> Pretty bummed this chapter doesn't hit the 10k mark, but I'm satisfied with the way it turned out. Leave some comments!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long overdue. Sorry about that. But I've gone through 3 different stages of... _anger_ writing this.
> 
> 1\. Mild annoyance, when I forgot to write down all the ideas I had in the middle of the night, right before I fell asleep.
> 
> 2\. Plain annoyance, when my laptop hang and didn't save the last 500 words I've typed.
> 
> 3\. Extreme rage, when my laptop rebooted and lost all my files, including _this piece which was **halfway** done_.
> 
> But everything's all right now! Restarted my laptop, and everything's back! Except for the lost ideas and the 500 words. RIP

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Patrick?" Brendon sighs and Patrick looks down in guilt. He was discharged from the hospital a few days ago and headed straight to his next concert venue, not contacting Pete even once the entire time.

He doesn't know why he accepted Pete's apologies back at the hospital. Maybe it's the way Pete seemed sincere with his apologies, or maybe Patrick was happy that Pete loves him again.

"Pete has already apologized for everything. What are you still waiting for?"

Patrick looks down at his feet and listens to Brendon's rant. He doesn't know how to answer Brendon's question. If he has to be honest, he doesn't know the answer himself.

"You went all out to avoid him before, and during the tour, you refused to hear any of his apologies. And when you finally forgave him, when everything is finally okay between you two, you're ignoring him again?"

"I don't want to get hurt again, okay?" Patrick snaps. "I'm not going to take any chances."

Patrick presses his mouth in a tight line when he realizes what he has just said, and Brendon keeps quiet, looking as if he has already expected his answer to be just that.

"Look," Patrick sighs. "The tour is ending in a few days, and then I have to deal with the divorce. Can we just forget about this?"

Brendon opens his mouth to speak, closes it, and opens it again. "Fine. But when the tour's over and you need someone to talk to, just call me, okay?"

"Who else can I call anyway?"

Patrick lets out a cry when Brendon jumps on him, laughing. "Looks like you're stuck with me."

He laughs and elbows Brendon in the ribs. He's thankful to have Brendon. The younger man can always find a way to make him laugh and forget his problems.

-

Patrick stands in front of his house awkwardly. This just may be the last time he enters the house as a married man. He takes a deep breath and turns the door knob, entering the house. He makes his way to the living room and stares at the man sitting on the couch, waiting for him.

"Pete," Patrick acknowledges him, taking in Pete's appearance.  _Calm_ , which slightly angers Patrick since they are about to discuss their divorce. If Pete really meant what he said at the hospital, that he loves Patrick, then he should have been fighting against their divorce.

"Patrick," Pete greets him. "Go shower, then get some rest. You look wrecked."

Patrick sighs and puts down his suitcase, and proceeds to take a sit on a sofa across Pete. "I'm fine. Let's talk."

"Was that the document that you found the other day?"

He finally notices a familiar document perched on the table when Pete motions for him to take it. He reaches forward and flips open the document, expecting to see Pete's signature. When he doesn't, he purses his lip. He doesn't need to see Pete signing the paper right before his eyes. "You haven't signed it."

"I won't sign it," Pete states firmly, and Patrick is taken aback at the earnest tone in his voice. He quickly regains composure and straightens his back. "Pete, I've already told you, I won't be in your way with Mikey-"

"Patrick, I will not divorce you." Pete interrupts him and takes the document in his hand, ripping it in half. Patrick stares in shock, eyes wide and jaw dropped. "I have no intention in divorcing you, I am not divorcing you, and I will never, ever divorce you," he continues. "Patrick, Mikey and I are nothing. I don't love him, nor am I in love with him."

Patrick recovers from his trance when he hears Mikey's name. He is about to say something when Pete interrupts him again.

"Yes, I fooled around with him, but that's it. There's no feeling whatsoever involved. I- I admit, I was lonely, but I don't blame you. I did that without thinking of the consequences, and yeah, I hid it from you for months but believe me when I say I regret what I did."

Patrick eyes him when Pete walks towards him. "Patrick, I will do everything to show you that you're the only person I love." Pete kisses the top of his head and Patrick closes his eyes. He's still unsure of what is happening.

"Go get some rest now, 'Trick. I'll wake you up for dinner."

Pete leaves the room and he opens his eyes again, exhaling as tension leaves his body. Pete's not divorcing him. Patrick's not going to get divorced.

He runs his fingers through his hair and leans back on the sofa. He has already planned what he's going to do after Pete signs the document, but when Pete tears the document, he's clueless.

He stands up and makes his way to their bedroom, planning to take a shower and spending the rest of his day in his music room. He's going to need a lot of time to himself to think of his next step.

-

"It's weird, Brendon," Patrick sighs as he lies on the couch in his music room, talking to the only person he knows that can help him.

_"How is it weird, exactly? Both of you are not going to get a divorce. That's good."_

"Exactly that. I mean, I was prepared for the divorce. I've been preparing for this since the tour began, but now…" Patrick trails off, staring at the ceiling.

_"Now you need to get some shut eye. Don't think too much about this, Patrick."_

Brendon does have a point, and Patrick can't help that he always overthinks things. "Sing me something."

He waits for Brendon's voice to come through the speakers, and when it finally does, Patrick chokes back a laugh. "A children's lullaby. Really, Brendon? I'm not a kid."

_"Hey, do you want me to sing or not?"_

Patrick laughs quietly and rolls on his side, placing his phone on the couch and next to his ear, and curls into himself. "Yes, please."

By the time Brendon sings the second lullaby, Patrick has already fallen asleep.

-

When Patrick wakes up the next day, he finds that it's already afternoon. He yawns and stretches on the couch, groaning as his bones make cracking noises. He makes a mental note to replace the couch with a more comfortable and spine-friendly one.

He walks out of the room and trudges upstairs to their bedroom for a shower when Pete seems to materialize in front of him. Patrick gives credit to himself for not shrieking out loud.

"Afternoon, love," Pete grins and Patrick looks away. Pete is too chirpy to his liking, especially when Patrick himself has just woken up, adding to the fact that Pete calls him by a nickname he hasn't heard in a while. "Come down to the kitchen later, okay? I'll fix you something to eat."

Patrick gives a small nod and makes his way to the bathroom, pausing when Pete holds him by the wrist and kisses his forehead before pulling away to look at him. Heat rises to Patrick's cheeks at the look in Pete's eyes.

"I love you, Patrick, forever and always."

Patrick stares at Pete's retreating back before he realizes he's blushing. He sighs to himself and walks to the bathroom, trying to forget what has just happened.

-

"I hope you don't mind pancakes," Pete grins sheepishly as he places a plate of pancakes in front of himself, and another in front of Patrick. "It's the only thing I know how to cook anyway."

Patrick stares at the stacks of pancakes, not saying anything. Having pancakes in the middle of afternoon is something only Pete can pull off. While it's a generally known fact that Pete can't really cook to save his life, but he still makes decent pancakes. Patrick thanks him and begins to cut the top slice into tiny pieces before shoving a few into his mouth.

_Too much. You're eating too much. Do you want to be fat again? Do you want Pete to hate you again?_

Patrick puts the fork down and pushes the plate away. "Thanks for the food," he mumbles and stands up from his seat.

"Patrick," Pete stops him. "You barely eat your food. Come on, let's finish them together."

"Not hungry." Patrick makes his way to the music room and locks himself inside. He's glad that he doesn't turn around. If he does, he doesn't think he can ever forget the crestfallen look on Pete's face.

-

_"You've reached Doctor Love. How may I help you?"_

"You really have to help me, Brendon. I don't know what to do around him," Patrick says into his phone. "Everything's all awkward now."

 _"Patrick, Patrick, Patrick."_  Patrick scowls when Brendon tuts at him.  _"Just go with it. Pete makes you dinner? Eat it. Pete invites you to go out with him? Just go. I don't really see a problem here."_

"Exactly which part of everything's all awkward don't you understand?"

_"Patrick, look, just- okay. Take all the time you need until you feel comfortable around him again."_

He ponders over Brendon's words and thanks him before ending the call. Brendon is right.  _Until he feels comfortable around Pete again_ , which may slightly be impossible if Patrick keeps locking himself in the room. He groans in frustration and decides to just sleep the day away. He doesn't have any shows to do anyway.

-

Patrick sneaks around the house to grab his car key, being careful to not be spotted by Pete. When he grabs the key, it gives off a rattled noise and he curses mentally.

"Where are you going?"

"Uh, studio," Patrick mumbles, not looking at Pete. "There's been something."

"I can drive you there. I'm not doing anything anyway," Pete says. Patrick stares at him, speechless. After he got back from his tour, he doesn't spend much time around Pete. And if Pete wants to drive him, he doesn't know what to do or what to say.

"It- it's okay. I can drive. You don't have to trouble yourself," he winces at the last sentence. It sounds weird to his ears.

Pete, however, just smiles and takes the key from him. "Nothing is trouble when it comes to you."

Patrick flushes when Pete holds his hand and walks to his car. The ride to the studio is awkward, but Pete keeps talking to fill the silence. Patrick appreciates his effort, and he listens intently, only asking questions when necessary. Pete also seems happy when Patrick asks him questions.

They finally arrive at the studio and Patrick thanks him before opening the door. He's surprised when Pete pulls him back, kissing him. He stares at Pete, who is grinning and leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. "Good luck in the studio. I love you."

Patrick nods and steps out of the car. "I… I'll let you know when I'm done."

He walks straight into the studio without looking back. He doesn't want Pete to see his embarrassingly red face.

-

Patrick watches as the last person of the band walks out of the room, waving at him, then turns his gaze to the workstation in front of him. Now that their recording session has finished, all that's left to do is to piece everything together.

Patrick lets out a sigh and plops down on the couch, taking a break. Just when he thought his work is done, more work keeps coming. Pete is most likely on his way to pick him up right now.

The door to the room slides open and Patrick smiles when he sees Brendon entering the room and sitting down next to him. "Long day?"

"Long day," Patrick laments. "Lots of work needed to be done."

Brendon hums in agreement before shoving Patrick lightly with his shoulder. "So…" Brendon trails off.

"So…" Patrick echoes. "Just spill it, Brendon. I know you want to say something."

"Everything okay? Between you and Pete?"

Patrick cocks his head back to look at the younger man, before he turns his head back to stare at the ceiling. "I- I don't know. Confusing? Awkward? I can see Pete is trying hard, but I don't know…"

"Listen, Patrick. It's gonna get better, and it's gonna work out," Brendon smiles as throws his arm around Patrick's shoulder, pulling him close. "Just give it a minute, you know. It's gonna turn around."

Patrick stares at him, speechless, before huffing and shoving Brendon to the floor. "Do you really have to quote my own lyrics?"

Brendon's attempt to stifle his own laughter fails as he curls on the floor, and Patrick crosses his arms, waiting for the younger man to finish laughing.

"Oh, man. I thought you wouldn't notice," Brendon giggles as he sits up on the floor. "But I really mean it. Things will get better. Don't worry about it."

Patrick slumps on the couch and leans his head back. "What about you?" He asks quietly. "Are you okay?"

He hears Brendon's sigh, and Brendon shifts to sit next to his legs, his shoulder nudging Patrick on the knee. "I will be. Don't worry."

"I'm sorry, Brendon." Patrick looks at him from behind. Brendon doesn't move, and Patrick can't see his face. He knows he has put Brendon through a lot, and a single apology can't make up for what he had done to Brendon.

"Don't be." Brendon tilts his head to look at Patrick and smiles at him. "You know I'd do anything for you, right?"

Patrick smiles back and leans forward, ruffling his hair. "Thanks."

"Well, best to leave you with your work." Brendon heaves himself up and shoves Patrick's knee playfully in the process. "Take care, alright?"

Patrick nods and watches as Brendon leaves the room, and he walks to the workstation. The faster he gets his work done, the faster he can go home. Before he can continue his work, his phone begins to beep with incoming text.

_From: Pete_   
_17:44:01_   
_im outside_

_To: Pete_   
_17:44:25_   
_Sorry, being held back. You can come in if you want._

He places his phone in his pocket and loses himself in his work. He doesn't even realize Pete has entered the room and is sitting on the couch until he stretches his neck to get rid of the stiffness. "Oh, Pete. How long have you been here?"

"I just got here." The corner of Patrick's lips quirk up as Pete gives him a Starbucks drink. He takes a sip and places the drink on a table before turning to Pete. "It's going to take a while, so, uh…"

"I'll wait." Pete smiles. Somehow, Patrick doesn't think they're talking about his work.

-

Patrick moves to clean the kitchen while Pete cleans out their bedroom. The living room has been cleaned, and heat rises to his face as he remembers the incident that happened minutes ago.

He raises his hand to his mouth, tracing his lips. Pete kissed him, and they made out after, which left Patrick feeling high. But when he felt Pete's fingers under his shirt, he started feeling uncomfortable. He doesn't want Pete to see him while he still has all the fat beneath his skin. He's afraid that Pete would look at him in disgust when he sees his body.

He sighs and walks to the fridge, opening it, and is rewarded with a blast of cool air. He begins to take out the spoiled food and places them on the kitchen island. A cup of pudding catches his attention and his stomach begins to grumble. Deciding that he deserves a break, he makes a motion to grab the pudding.

_Mikey's thin. The model's thin. You're not._

He pauses and his hand hangs in the air.  _He's still not thin._  He continues to clean the fridge as fast as possible, ignoring how his stomach seems to demand for something to eat.

"Hey, I'm ordering pizza. You want anything?" Pete asks as he strolls into the kitchen with a phone in his hand.

"Nah. Not hungry." Patrick smiles. "I already ate when I cleaned the fridge."

-

Patrick is watching the television intently- he's this close to find out who the killer is, when Pete talks to him. "So, hey, Bill's throwing a birthday party."

Patrick furrows his eyebrow in confusion at the name. It sounds familiar. "Is this the same Bill that called me the other day?"

"That's the one!" Pete grins and turns to face him. "He's like, your huge number one fan! There's not a single day where he doesn't go without mentioning you at least once! Get this, the day Folie was released, he talked about it the entire practice and the coach was so mad he put Bill in a time-out!"

Patrick laughs at Pete's wild hand gestures throughout the entire story. Pete has a tendency to exaggerate the story he's telling with the help of his hand gestures, and it amuses Patrick no end.

"I'm assuming you're coming?"

He giggles as Pete pulls him to his lap, and he looks up at Pete's smiling face. "Yeah, yeah. Any idea what present we should give him?"

"Trust me, you being there is already a present for him enough."

-

Once they have reached Bill's party, Patrick finally realizes something. Pete and Bill are teammates with Mikey. He grabs Pete's arm while scanning the area, hoping that Mikey is nowhere in sight.

"You okay, 'Trick? What's the matter?" Pete looks at him in concern.

"Is… is Mikey here?" Patricks plays with the sleeves of his jacket, scared and nervous.

Even when Pete wraps his arm around him, keeping him close, he still can't shake off the heavy feeling in his chest. "Even if he's here, I won't leave your side, okay? Don't worry."

Patrick snaps his head to look at Pete, eyes wide in frantic. "But, what if-"

"Ah, there they are! The lovebirds! Fifteen years and still going strong!"

Patrick and Pete turn their heads and sees the person they haven't seen in a long time. "Gabe! How long has it been, dude?"

"Missed me, huh?"

Patrick watches as both Pete and Gabe bump their fists together. "In your dreams, Saporta. What are you doing here? I didn't know you're friends with Bill." Pete raises his eyebrow in question.

"Yeah, well… you know…" Gabe shrugs, then averts his gaze elsewhere. Patrick sees the slight movement and he gapes. "Oh my God…"

"What's up?" Pete asks, looking at Patrick, but Patrick is grinning widely at Gabe. He prides it in himself that he knows how to read people. "You and Bill are together, aren't you?" He teases and pokes Gabe on the chest. "Aww, isn't that the cutest thing?"

He laughs when Gabe playfully bats his hand. "You're still annoying, you know that? And short. Did you even grow an inch since high school?"

"Well, God only lets things grow until they're perfect," he shrugs. "I'm sorry that you're still growing though."

He cries out when Gabe steals his fedora and proceeds to ruffle his hair, and puts it back. "Sassy as always, Stumpy. Enjoy yourself while you're here. I'll go get Bill."

"I'm glad some things never change," Pete says after Gabe has left them. They begin to walk into the house together, hands held together. "To tell you the truth, I can't imagine how a person like Gabe can be together with Bill. They're just so…"

"Different?" Patrick suggests. He has never met Bill, but he can tell that Bill is the opposite of Gabe.

"I guess. Then again, when I really think about it, they do have something in common, but I just can't put a name on it…" Patrick notices Pete concentrating on something, so he just smiles and squeezes their hands.

Gabe and a figure walk towards them, and if Patrick has to guess, the figure is probably Bill, who has his eyes covered by Gabe's hands. "We're almost there, Bilvy."

Pete lets out a loud bray of laughter and Patrick watches in amusement when Bill calls him out. "Is that you, Pete? I swear to God if you-"

Gabe removes his hands from Bill's eyes and Pete slides his arm around Patrick's waist. Patrick smiles and extends his hand at the gaping Bill in front of him. "You must be Bill. It's nice to finally meet you in person."

"Tell me this isn't just a dream! Tell me Patrick Stump is really at my party!" Bill squeaks as he shakes Gabe back and forth. Gabe just pats him on the shoulder and smirks. "Believe it, babe."

Patrick beams when Bill grabs his extended hand, shaking his hand and squealing. "Oh my God. Patrick Stump is at my party! Patrick Stump is at my party! William Beckett at your service! I'm your number one fan, like, dude, can you sign some stuff for me? Can I take a picture with you? Wait, is it too much to ask for if I hug you? I'm sorry for being creepy, but-"

Per Bill's request, Patrick grins and spreads his arms.

"Tell me this isn't a dream," Bill gapes at him. Patrick laughs and he gestures for Bill to come close. "Happy Birthday, Bill! Hope you have an awesome year!" He greets as Bill jumps into his arms.

"I'm hugging Patrick Stump! I'm hugging Patrick Stump!" Patrick laughs again when Bill nuzzles him, and Pete moves to separate them. "Okay, that's enough, dude. I don't think Gabe appreciates you hugging someone else longer than necessary."

"Speak for yourself," Gabe smirks. Bill pushes Pete away and hugs Patrick again, this time lifting him and spinning him around. "I'm sorry if this is creepy, but I'm just so happy! Thank you for coming!"

Patrick hugs him back, happy to have finally met the taller man. Bill is really nice, and he's glad that Pete has him as a friend. At least he has someone to look after him whenever Patrick's not around. "Sorry I couldn't come to your celebration party."

"Nah, don't worry about it." Bill grins and puts him back down gently. "You were on your tour anyway."  
  
Not only is Bill nice, but he's also understanding. Patrick has a soft spot for him already, and he can see why Gabe likes him. He looks at Pete when he holds Patrick's hand, intertwining their fingers together and smiling. "So, are we going to stand here all night long or what?"

-

Patrick has his eyes focused on the screen of his laptop, but he just knows that Pete is staring at him.

"Hey, 'Trick?"

He smiles to himself and hums in reply.

"Are you free next Saturday?"

Patrick tries to recall if he has any shows or interviews on that particular day, and finds none. "I guess. Why?"

He whines when Pete removes the laptop from him and sits on his lap, grinning. "Good. You're coming with me to the stadium."

"I thought the season was over?"

"Yeah, but this is a friendly match. Just for fun and games.  _And_  you're going to come so I can show you why they put me as the captain," he says smugly.

Patrick rolls his eyes at his husband and takes his laptop back, gently shoving Pete away and continuing his work. "Careful there. Your narcissism is showing."

"Only for you, love." Patrick smiles at the nickname and he relaxes when Pete leans on him. It would be nice to see Pete playing on the field again, it has been a long time since he's last done that. It's always refreshing to see Pete leading his team on the field. Pete's team. And that includes  _Mikey_.

"So, um, is everyone going to be there?" Patrick asks, keeping his voice steady.

"Yeah, Gabe will be there too. You can stay with him while we play."

Patrick sighs in relief at the mention of Gabe. At least he won't be alone during the game. "Speaking of Gabe, he's changed. Like, for the better. When I think about it, when we're at Bill's party, his words were more like… teasing, rather than insults? Like he did it just out of habit, you know." Patrick says, but more likely to himself. "Think Bill has something to do with it?"

Pete starts to yawn and snuggles next to Patrick. "Yeah. Gabe's whipped."

Patrick lets out a small chuckle.  _Gabe's whipped._  That's something he'd never thought of before.

-

_To: Pete_   
_08:53:50_   
_Good luck :)_

"Gabe, what the hell?" Patrick frowns when Gabe towers over him, reading his message.

"You texting Pete? Tell him that he better not lose, or I'm kicking his ass!"

Patrick rolls his eyes, but sends another text to Pete.

_To: Pete_   
_08:54:02_   
_Gabe says if you lose, he's kicking your ass._

"Hey!" Patrick scowls as Gabe grabs his phone, holding it high above his head, and begins to type something. "Give me my phone back!"

"Jump higher, shorty pants."

Patrick doesn't like to be mean to someone, but when that someone happens to be Gabe Saporta, he throws all rationality away and steps on the bench, climbing over Gabe. "Gabe!"

"Okay, okay!" Gabe relents and hands Patrick his phone back. "Come on, it's not like I send anything inappropriate!"

Patrick snorts as he checks the messages that Gabe just sent. "Coming from you, that's a little hard to believe."

_To: Pete_   
_08:55:09_   
_Yeah, that was Gabe. Good luck on the field, babe._

As soon as he presses send, he finally realizes his mistake. He lets out a groan and sits down.

"Wow.  _Babe_."

Patrick shoots Gabe a glare when the taller man starts to laugh. "Ha ha. Laugh all you want," he deadpans, turning his attention to the field where all the players have started to enter the field.

"That's payback for Pete laughing at Bill's nickname," Gabe grins.

"That was Pete, not me!" Patrick argues, frowning when Gabe shushes him.

"Dude, shut up. Game's starting. Respect the game."

-

"Hey."

Patrick smiles as Pete makes his way to him, running across the field and jumping over the perimeter board and the seats. He laughs as Pete kisses his cheek and lies on the seats with his head on Patrick's lap.

"That was a good game." Patrick smiles and pats Pete's head. It really was, and Patrick isn't surprised. The way Pete plays soccer has always captivated him ever since Patrick saw him playing on the field in school.

"Well, duh. I played. Of course it was a good game."

Patrick rolls his eyes at Pete, but shrieks in surprise when he feels Pete slipping underneath his shirt, nuzzling against his stomach. "That- that tickles! Pete! Get out of there!"

"Pizza later?" Pete grins as he peeks at Patrick.

"Shower first. You stink." Patrick frowns and wrinkles his nose. He rolls his eyes when Pete laughs and stands up before running back to the field. "It's a manly scent."

Patrick slumps in embarrassment when Pete shouts over the distance. "Don't move, 'Trick! I'll come back once I smell nice!"

"You two seem to get along just fine."

Patrick turns around and sees Gabe standing behind him, looking over at the field where all the players are retreating back to the locker room.

"Yeah, we are," Patrick says. He raises his eyebrows when Gabe takes a seat next to him, a solemn expression on his face. Even though Gabe has changed for the better, Patrick still has that small fear of Gabe deep inside him, especially now that Gabe seems to be more introspective.

"Do you still love him?" Gabe asks, and Patrick stares at him, speechless at Gabe's question. When Patrick doesn't answer, Gabe turns to look at him, repeating his question.

Patrick laughs nervously before answering. There's no way of knowing what Gabe would do to him. "Why do you ask that?"

He fidgets in his seat when Gabe scrutinizes him. "I know what's been happening to you two. But, look, Patrick, I know Pete, okay? Probably not as long as you have, since I've been MIA for so long," Gabe snorts and continues, "but Pete really loves you. He fucks up a lot, but that's just him. Not that I'm saying what he did was right."

Patrick looks down at his feet the entire time Gabe speaks to him. Of course Patrick knows Pete loves him. Pete practically says it everyday to him.

"Have you ever doubt his love for you?"

He stiffens at the question and fumbles with the sleeves of his cardigan. He doesn't understand why Gabe would ask him that kind of question.

"You have, haven't you?" Gabe asks softly. Patrick chews on his bottom lip before turning to look at Gabe, forcing a smile on his face. "So, tell me how you and Bill met."

Gabe frowns and flicks Patrick's forehead, to which Patrick winces in pain. "Fine. Let's play a game. If you can score a goal against me, I'll answer." Gabe grins as he heaves himself up, pulling Patrick along with him to the field.

"But I don't know how to play!" Patrick cries out, though deep inside he's glad for the change of subject. Time has  _really_  changed Gabe.

"Dude, you've been together with Pete for God knows how long, and you still don't know how to play soccer?"

"And Pete still doesn't know how to sing. Fair trade," Patrick shrugs, staring as Gabe starts to kick the ball. He stands on his spot awkwardly and watches Gabe bouncing the ball on his head. "Touche," Gabe laughs. "Think fast!"

On instinct, Patrick ducks and raises his hands to cover his head when Gabe kicks the ball, only to huff in frustration as Gabe begins to howl with laughter. "Shut up!" Patrick squawks in embarrassment, stomping over to the still-laughing Gabe and steals the ball from him. Or tries to, because the second Patrick has the ball, Gabe steals it back again.

"I know you don't play sports, but, dude, you fucking suck at it!" Gabe laughs again, dribbling the ball and taunting him.

"That's because you cheat!" Patrick glares and gets closer to Gabe, trying to get the ball back in his possession. "Gabe! Stop stealing the damn ball!"

"Miss playing?"

Patrick tilts his head to the side and sees Pete standing next to him, all freshen up and in a different shirt.

"You have no idea!" Gabe grins and kicks the ball, cheering loudly when it enters the goal. "Score one for the man! Zero for the Stump!"

Gabe is a cheat. That's what he is. But Patrick has to admit that Gabe is still great at playing soccer. He sighs and crosses his arms. "Still obnoxious, aren't you?"

"I try," Gabe winks at him before turning to Pete. "Where's my man?"

"Shower, probably. He takes long showers," Pete replies, shrugging his shoulders.

"I know," Gabe smirks. "Wanna know which part he washes the most?"

Patrick's face wrinkles in disgust at Gabe's gleeful face. "I so don't need to know that."

"So, hey, ready to go for pizza?" Pete nudges him, and Patrick smiles, nodding. He knows how hungry Pete can get after a game. He takes one look at himself before looking at Pete. "Can I shower first, though? I'm covered in sweat."

"Sure," Pete grins as he takes Patrick's hand in his, "let me show you the way."

-

Patrick smiles gratefully when Pete hands him one of his extra shirts and a towel, and he makes his way to the shower stalls. He strips off and hangs his clothes, standing under the running water. He couldn't be more glad that the shower stalls are all empty, with the exception for Gabe, because he never wants anyone to see his body.

He sighs and looks down at himself, a hand splayed over his stomach.  _Not thin enough._  He can feel fat under his skin everywhere and he frowns. Pete will notice if he begins to eat less, especially now that Pete has started to monitor him closely, making sure Patrick finishes his food. So he opts for the second best option.  _Purging._

He closes his eyes and rinses his hair, satisfied that he has already found a solution to stay thin. Pete won't ever look at anyone again if Patrick's thin.

When he's done, he turns off the shower and dries himself, putting on a shirt that Pete gave him. He wraps the towel around his waist and grabs his dirty shirt before walking out of the shower stall, only to bump into a person he dreads to see.

He steps back and swallows, clutching his shirt tight to his chest. "Mikey."

"I see you're finally thin." Mikey eyes him up and down, and Patrick begins to tremble in fear. There's just something about Mikey that scares him.

"What's the matter, Patrick? You're not scared of me, are you?"

Patrick takes one step back each time Mikey steps forward, and his fear doubles when he feels a wall against his back. "What do you want, Mikey?"

"I think you know what I want," Mikey states as he traces the shirt Patrick's wearing, smirking. "Did you know Pete bought me the same shirt? We bought this together, actually."

"No, you didn't," Patrick replies quietly. He refuses to rise to Mikey's bait. He knows Mikey is just trying to rile him up. His shoulders tense when Mikey chuckles and leans in close to whisper in his ear.

"Say what you need to say. Pete doesn't love you anymore, Patrick. He only stays with you because he feels sorry for you." Mikey moves back and gives Patrick a once-over. "I mean, look at you. It's pretty self-explanatory, don't you think?"

Patrick can feel tears prickling the back of his eyes and the lump in his throat. What Mikey said was a lie, and he's not going to fall for it. Pete loves him.

"Although, I have to give credit to that little stunt you pulled. Overdosing, really, Patrick? Are you  _that_  desperate for his attention?"

"What do you want?" Patrick chokes out, feeling a breakdown coming his way.

"I want you to learn your place," Mikey hisses. "You know you don't deserve him. The only reason Pete doesn't leave you is because he knows you're  _nothing_  without him. Then again, you already are," he smirks at the last sentence.

"Care to repeat that again?"

Both Patrick and Mikey snap their head at the voice, and Patrick has never felt so relieved that Gabe is with him.

"You heard what I said, don't you?" Mikey arches his eyebrow at Gabe. Patrick watches the two quietly, wishing everything would be over soon.

"Leave before I bash your skull against the wall," Gabe snarls and treads towards the two. Mikey only snorts before leaving them, and Patrick sags against the wall, relieved.

He turns to look at Gabe with a smile, wanting to thank him, only for the smile to disappear when Gabe's face contorts in fury.

"What the hell, Stump?!"

Patrick stares at Gabe in shock. He's used to Gabe being mad at him in school, but this is a whole new level. Gabe isn't just mad, he's  _seething_.

He hears the sound of running footsteps and Bill's voice, but he can't tear his eyes away from Gabe's. "What happened?"

Gabe starts to open his mouth, and Patrick steels himself for his upcoming yell, when Pete interrupts. "What the hell happened in here?"

"Oh, I'll tell you what happened. Your fucking team-"

Patrick's eyes widen in fear when Gabe speaks. He doesn't want Pete to know about their previous encounter. "That's enough, Gabe."

Gabe shoots him a disbelieving look, which turns into an angry one when Patrick glares at him. "You used to fight back when I talked shit about you! What the fuck happened this time?! You can't just let someone do that to you! I'll be damned if that twig can get away with it unscathed!"

None of them say anything for a while, both Pete and Bill too shocked at Gabe's outburst. Bill is the first to break the silence between them. "Wait, who's twig?"

"Did Mikey say something?" Pete voices out seconds later.

Patrick bites his lip and looks at his feet, praying that Gabe wouldn't say anything.

"No fucking shit! That twig came over and started saying shit about-"

"Gabe!" Patrick yells, stopping Gabe before he can say anything further. He's not fazed at Gabe's death glare- he's gotten used to it a long time ago, and he returns the glare with equal intensity. "Nothing happened," he says slowly.

"You know what, Stump? I don't know why I waste my breath talking some sense into you. You keep telling everyone to always stand up for themselves, but go take a look in the fucking mirror," Gabe fumes and leaves the room with Bill.

Gabe's words echo in his head, and he hates to admit that Gabe's right. He should have been fighting for himself when Mikey shot the words at him.

_Mikey's right too, you know. You don't deserve Pete. But he's also wrong. You're still fat._

Patrick clenches his jaw and walks out of the shower area, heading back to the locker room.

"'Trick, hey-"

"I want to go home."

-

 _"The only reason Pete doesn't leave you is because he knows you're_ nothing _without him."_

Patrick grips his hair in his hands, trying to get the words out of his head. "Not true. That's not true," he mumbles to himself as he squeezes his eyes shut. He hasn't had a breakdown for some time, and he doesn't want it to come now.

_Pete only pretends to love you so you don't kill yourself again. He only feels sorry for you._

"Shut up." He grits his teeth and lowers his hands to cover both his ears, hoping the voice would go away.

_Leave him before he leaves you. You know this relationship wouldn't last long._

"What happened?"

Patrick snaps his eyes open and sees Pete's worried face in front of him. He doesn't realize how long he's been standing in the room before Pete comes in.  _Leave him._

"Pete…" Patrick starts, voice cracking. "Pete, Pete, I- I- I can't do this anymore! Everyone's right, there- there's no happy ever after! We just happened to have a longer ever after, and- and-"

"Patrick, just stop-"

_Don't stop._

The voice in his head keeps talking, and Patrick can't seem to stop either. His body starts to tremble and he can't catch his breath, eyes tearing up as his heart pounds loudly against his ribcage.

"-and we- we're just not mean to be together, Pete. We're always having problems and you still love Mikey, and- and I can find someone else, I don't know, I- I think I can live by myself, and-"

"Patrick!" He stops when he feels Pete's hands on his face, and his heartbeat begins to slow down a little. "Patrick, listen to me."

_Don't listen to him._

"Patrick, can you hear me?"

He's torn between the two voices, but Pete starts to stroke his face and he can hear Pete's voice loud and clear again, the voice in his head has disappeared. Patrick gives a small nod at him. "Hey, breathe with me, okay? Breathe with me."

He watches as Pete inhales and holds his breath, and follows suit. "Now, breathe out." His breath comes out shaky, as opposed to Pete's. "Relax, 'Trick. Let's do it again."

Patrick repeats his movement a few times before he's finally calmed down enough. He relaxes into Pete's arms when Pete holds him and whispers soothing words in his ear. "You're doing good. I'm proud of you, love."

"Do you need anything? Food? Drink?" Pete offers when he pulls away, kissing his forehead. Patrick shakes his head and moves closer to Pete, sighing softly as Pete has his arms around him again. He buries his face in Pete's shirt, comforting himself with Pete's scent. "I just need you to be here."

"Sure thing." Pete starts to rock them gently, and Patrick finds himself close to dozing off from the motion. His eyelids flutter close and he breathes out slowly. Fighting with the voice in his head has drained a lot of his energy, and he's too tired to even stand upstraight.

Pete walks him to the bed and Patrick slides under the covers, falling asleep to Pete stroking him softly.

-

Patrick steps off the scale and looks at his reflection in the mirror.  _A couple of pounds more to go._  He switches off the light in the bathroom and goes back to bed, making sure not to wake his sleeping husband.

It has been a part of his daily routine now- wait until Pete has fallen asleep, then sneak into the bathroom, and finally,  _purge_. He can see the difference on his body already, but Pete seems to notice it too and keeps a close eye on Patrick's food intake. At least Pete doesn't know about his midnight activities in the bathroom.

Patrick fears what Pete's reaction would be once he finds out, so he tries to be as quiet as he can. Pete has never caught him in the act, but he did catch him when he's on his way out of the bathroom.

_"I heard you threw up. You okay?"_

_"Yeah, I'm fine. Bad food, probably."_

Pete believes him, and Patrick keeps it in his mind to use that excuse in the future.

-

Patrick pants over the toilet bowl, wiping his mouth, and stands up to flush. He staggers to the sink and his heart skips a beat when he sees Pete's reflection in the mirror, eyes wide.

He puts on a smile and grabs his toothbrush. "Oh, Pete. What are you doing up?"

"What happened just now? Are you okay?" Pete asks, stepping into the bathroom. Patrick's heart begins to race at high speed. Pete definitely saw him. He takes his time brushing his teeth and rinsing to appear calm, then turns to face Pete with a smile. "Bad food, I guess?" He says, hoping that Pete buys the excuse. "Come on. Let's go back to bed."

Patrick snuggles into the cover, facing the wall, a million thoughts running through his mind. How much did Pete see? Did Pete believe his excuse? If he didn't, would Pete get angry? Would Pete scold him? Would Pete leave him again?

"'Trick, hey." Patrick feels a dip on the bed and he turns on his side, seeing Pete sitting cross-legged. "Can I ask you something?"

Patrick swallows.  _Pete knows._  He feigns innocence and sits up, looking at Pete with wide eyes. "Sure, Pete. What is it?"

"Were you…" Pete clears his throat, looking past Patrick then back at him, "have you been purging all this time?"

_Busted. Pete hates you now._

Patrick clenches his fist in the blanket, keeping his face blank. Pete doesn't hate him. He can just lie again, and everything will be back to normal.

"Have you? You can tell me, I'm not going to get mad." Pete says with a gentle voice. Patrick sees no traces of anger in Pete's eyes and relents.

"I- I just want to stay thin, Pete…" he confesses, shoulders slumped. "You love me more when I'm thin, don't you?"

"God, 'Trick…"

_Pete may not hate you, but he's undoubtedly disappointed in you now._

Patrick looks down at the covers, agreeing with the voice. He can hear the disappointment in Pete's voice. He bites his lip when Pete cradles his face so they can look at each other. "Patrick, I love you for who you are. I don't care how you look."

Pete's words are too much for him to handle, and he averts his gaze, mumbling, "I don't want to get fat. You won't love me anymore."

He closes his eyes when Pete kisses his forehead and pulls him into a hug. "I love you, Patrick, but you need to stop this."

_If you stop, you'll get fat again. You know what happens when you get fat?_

Pete will leave him again. Patrick struggles to get free and looks at Pete in distress. He doesn't want Pete to leave him again. "Am- am I not thin enough, Pete? Do I need to lose more weight? I can do that! Just- just…" he sighs, "please don't leave me again…"

"I won't leave you, okay? I promise." Pete presses their foreheads together, and Patrick looks at their joined hands. "I'll help you. We'll get through this together."

Patrick flicks his gaze to look at Pete. "How- how are we going to do that?"

"Baby steps, love." Pete smiles. "I'll be there with you all the way."

Patrick leans on Pete when the latter hugs him again. It's going to take a lot of time and patience on Pete's part, but Patrick believes they can work something out.

-

"Close your eyes."

Patrick furrows his eyebrows at his grinning husband before finally relenting to his request. He feels Pete holding his hand, leading him to wherever Pete is taking him. Patrick voices out again after ten seconds of silence.

"Pete, do I really have to close my eyes?" He complains, hating the feeling of not being able to see anything.

"Just a little while longer."

Patrick sighs and follows Pete's lead when they finally come to a stop. He can feel Pete moving to stand beside him, and he waits patiently for Pete's next order.

"Open your eyes," Pete whispers, and Patrick does so, eyes wide at the sight of their surroundings. "Pete…"

He notices a table covered with a white tablecloth, decorated with rose petals and a candle, plates and wine glasses. His eyes dart around and he sees fairy lights hanging, giving the place a relaxing atmosphere.

He turns to look at Pete, who is smiling at him. "Did you do this all by yourself?"

"I had a little help," Pete grins sheepishly, and moves to pull a chair for Patrick to sit. Patrick thanks him and takes his seat, watching as Pete sits across him.

"Very romantic," Patrick smiles at him. "What's the occasion?"

"So, um," Pete clears his throat and places his hand on top of Patrick's, "you still remember the rumour about that model?"

Patrick stiffens. Of course he still remembers. That rumour had gotten them into a fight right after they had finally patched things up. "Yeah. What about it?"

"The baby's not mine."

Patrick gapes at Pete's beaming face. Did he hear that right? "W-what?"

"The baby's not mine. She gave birth to the baby, and I asked for a DNA test. Came back negative," Pete clarifies, still smiling.

Patrick, however, still can't wrap his head around Pete's little revelation. "H-how did I not know about this? Pete, why didn't you tell me you went to get DNA test?"

There's so many questions he wants to ask, but Pete begins to soothe him, playing with his hand. "I want it to be a surprise. Told you it's just a rumour," Pete sticks his tongue out.

"Like you wouldn't have done the same thing." Patrick calms down slightly, and rolls his eyes at Pete's childish attitude. "So, what, we're celebrating that the baby's not yours?"

"We are celebrating our sixteenth anniversary!" Pete grins widely.

Patrick raises his eyebrows at his husband, an unimpressed look plastered on his face. If Patrick can recall, they got together fifteen years ago, not  _sixteen_. And it's not even on the same date as this…  _anniversary_. It's also most definitely not their marriage anniversary, even though the date is right. "We've only been married for six years, Pete. What anniversary are you talking about?"

His cheeks turn pink when Pete kisses the back of his hand and gazes at him that leaves him breathless.

"When I first met you."

-

Patrick has the time of his life that night with his husband. The food was delicious, and their conversation was never-ending, which Patrick was glad for. It had been a long time since they talked this long without the awkward tension hanging in the air.

He eyes Pete when he walks over to Patrick and cups his face in his hands. "I'm thankful to have you in my life, Patrick. I'm proud to call you my love." Pete smiles and leans in, connecting their lips in a kiss.

Patrick sighs into the kiss and parts his lips. He will never get tired of Pete calling him  _love_. It makes him feel warm inside, a tingling happiness, no matter how cheesy the nickname is because Patrick knows there's no one else Pete will give the nickname for.

He squeaks in surprise when Pete scoops him in his arms. "Pete!"

His other protests are cut short when Pete kisses him again and begins to carry him inside. "Pete, honestly, put me down. I can walk," Patrick squirms, already feeling uncomfortable.  _Too heavy. You're too heavy._

"Just enjoy the ride, 'Trick."

Patrick begins to whimper as Pete plants a trail of kisses on his neck, and he brings his arms around Pete's neck to avoid from falling, even though he knows Pete will never let him fall.

"There. Is that so hard?" Patrick can hear the smugness in Pete's voice, and it somehow manages to silence the voice in his head and calm his rapidly beating heart.

"Hard for you. I'm heavy," Patrick mumbles to himself, not expecting for Pete to hear. He lets out a small sigh when Pete nuzzles him. "Hey, now. You're not heavy."

He waits for Pete to lower him on the bed and closes his eyes as Pete grazes his face with his knuckles. "I don't love you for your weight. I love you for you."

Patrick opens his eyes to look at Pete before looking away, sucking in his bottom lip. "I- I just want to be perfect for you…"

Pete places his hand under Patrick's chin, gently turning his face so they can look at each other. "Nobody's perfect, Patrick. You don't have to be perfect for me. In my eyes, you already are."

Patrick's eyes flutter close when Pete kisses him lightly. "Every little thing that you see as flaws and imperfections, I see them as trademarks, your essence. Those little things are what make you who you are, no other person have them. They make you unique, exceptional, one of a kind." Patrick gives a small chuckle as Pete emphasizes each words with kisses.

"Pete…"

Pete rests his hand on Patrick's cheek, thumb brushing on his cheekbone. Patrick knows that Pete knows about his insecurities, so when he hears Pete's speech, he's overwhelmed with feelings.

He leans into Pete's touch as Pete continues. "You've changed my life for the better. Before I met you, I was in the dark. You pulled me out of that darkness, Patrick. You've saved my life countless times before, and I know this sounds cheesy," Pete pauses as he chuckles, and Patrick smiles at him. "But I owe you my life. I wouldn't be here without you. I love you, Patrick, forever and always."

Patrick can't help the tears flowing from his eyes, and Pete wipes his tears away with his thumb. He closes his eyes as Pete begins to pepper his face with kisses before finally kissing his mouth. Patrick gives into the kiss and twines his fingers behind Pete's neck, pulling him closer.

Patrick looks back to the past year, where everything had begun to go downhill for them. He didn't think they would ever be able to restore their marriage back, and he had always thought their marriage would end in a divorce, which it almost had.

Patrick still has his doubts about the divorce papers. He doesn't know which to believe, either Mikey was the one who put the document in the drawer like Pete said, or Pete really did take the document and plan to show it to Patrick, only to decide against it the last minute.

He brushes the thought away. What's past is past. He's living in the present now, and that's all that matters. He sighs when they finally pull away, needing to breathe. He stares up at his husband, who is gazing at him back.

 _"If we ever face with any problems, I will make it right again. I know I will hurt you one day, but I_ will _do everything in my power to make everything right between us. That is my vow to you."_

He starts to tear up as he remembers Pete's vows, and that's when he realizes what feeling overwhelmed him.  _He loves Pete._

Patrick cradles Pete's face in his hand and breathes out, watching as Pete turns his head to kiss his palm, not breaking eye contact with each other.

"Pete," Patrick whispers. Pete still has his eyes on him, just gazing and not doing anything else.

_"It's okay, love. I'll wait until you're ready."_

Patrick takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. "Pete, I'm ready."

-

Patrick turns in his bed before stirring awake, feeling like he's had a good night's sleep. He stretches and groans at the soreness at the lower part of his body, before rolling over on his stomach. He sighs softly and is about to doze off again when he hears a huff of amusement.

He cracks his eyes open and lets out a soft whine when he sees Pete smirking down at him. "Pete, you're doing it again," he grumbles as he grabs a pillow from under his head and covers his face with it.

"Sorry, 'Trick. You just look so adorable when you're sleeping."

Pete begins to laugh and Patrick bats him with the pillow he used to cover his face. Patrick lets out a startled yelp when Pete grabs the pillow from him and tosses it in the general direction, and drapes himself on Patrick, still laughing.

Patrick relishes in the sound of Pete's laughter and smiles to himself. He's grateful that everything is fine between them again. He runs his fingers through Pete's hair as Pete starts to kiss his jaw.

"I love you, Patrick."

"I-" Patrick's eyes widen in alarm when he realizes he's unable to finish the sentence. "I know," he finishes quietly, mentally cursing himself.

He loves Pete. Patrick has made it clear to himself the night before, but he just can't bring himself to say the words to Pete. Sex is just Patrick giving his body to Pete, but saying  _I love you_  is Patrick giving his  _trust_  and his  _life_  to Pete. It scared Patrick if the same thing were to happen to them again, because he knows if the second time happens, nothing can repair their relationship.

Patrick shifts them into a more comfortable position and closes his eyes, pretending to fall asleep. Patrick doesn't have to open his eyes to know that Pete is watching him again, this time with a hurtful look in his eyes that he has just caused.

-

It has been a few days since that morning, and Patrick continues with his day as if nothing happened, and Pete plays along as well, even though Patrick knows Pete is dying to talk about it.

Patrick watches as his husband walks out of the bathroom, having just finished his midnight shower. Pete sits at the edge of the bed, a towel over his head, and begins to dry his hair.

"Pete," Patrick calls him, watching as the other man twists his body to face him, forehead creased in curiosity. "What is it, 'Trick?"

The nickname eases the butterflies in his stomach, even for just a little. He flicks his eyes to Pete, swallowing at Pete's questioning gaze. He can do this, Patrick assures himself.

"'Trick? You okay?" Pete's expression has turned from curious to concern, and Patrick just smiles at him, nodding. "Can- can you do something for me?" Patrick asks, peering at Pete from under his lashes.

Pete eyes him before smiling and relaxing. "Sure thing."

Dread settles itself again in his stomach and he takes a deep breath, willing for the feeling to go away. He licks his lip, wetting them, and opens his mouth while keeping his eyes locked onto Pete's. "I want you to close your eyes," he says, voice barely audible, but he's certain Pete can hear him just fine.

Pete obeys without a single word, and Patrick scoots closer, kneeling in front of him. He brings his trembling hands to Pete's face, caressing it with feather light touches and stops when he reaches his chin.

Pete doesn't say anything and stays still. Patrick gazes at him, eyes softening. He has finally come to terms with his feelings, that he loves Pete even after what they had been through. He knows Pete loves him, and Pete makes it clear every second and every minute of the day.

Patrick notices the way Pete would slump his shoulders and the way his smile would drop- the gestures were so minute that even their closest friends couldn't detect, when Patrick doesn't say the words back to him after Pete says them. Pete doesn't say anything about it, but Patrick knows it pains him each time it happens.

Patrick leans forward and presses his lip on Pete's forehead, closing his eyes and not moving away. He can feel Pete's hot breath fanning his neck. "'Trick…?"

"Not yet," Patrick murmurs and Pete gives a slight nod. They have come this far, and Pete has proven himself, making up for all his past mistakes. And Pete deserves this.

Patrick opens his eyes and moves back, sitting on his heels. He lowers his hands to Pete's wrists, bringing them to his chest. He knows Pete can feel his heart thumping loudly. Patrick's eyes begin to water and he lets out a shaky breath, fixing his gaze on Pete's face.

"I love you, Pete."

Pete's eyes snap wide open, staring straight into Patrick's eyes. "What?"

"I love you," Patrick repeats himself, louder and more confident. "Pete, I love you."

Pete's jaw drops and he brings one hand to Patrick's face, resting on his cheek. Patrick holds Pete's wrist and leans into his touch, not breaking their eye-contact. "I love you, Pete," Patrick whispers again, smiling as Pete throws himself on Patrick and sends them both sprawling on the bed.

"Thank you, Patrick," Pete says next to his ear, tightening his hold on Patrick. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

Patrick closes his eyes and places his hand on Pete's waist, the other on the back of Pete's neck, playing with his hair. "I love you, Pete."

He hears Pete chuckles and he smiles as Pete kisses his neck before raising his head to look at Patrick. "I love you, Patrick."

"I love you, Pete."

To Patrick, that night is by far the most intimate night he ever had. They lay on the bed, tangled with each other, and just whisper 'I love you' back and forth until they fall asleep.

-

"Congrats on the successful relaunching of your album."

Patrick tilts his head and beams when he sees Pete walking into their bedroom with a slice of cake on a plate, a wide smile on his face. "What's the cake for?" Patrick asks.

Pete places the plate on the nightstand and climbs into the bed with Patrick, sitting cross-legged in front of him. "I, uh, I'm sorry I didn't come to your celebration party, and, you know…" Pete trails off, rubbing the back of his neck.

Patrick lets out a soft 'oh', and they settle into a silence. This is the first time they talk about something that happened when they were distant, and while their relationship and marriage are fine again, Patrick knows that neither of them will ever be comfortable talking about it. "So, what's the flavour of the cake?"

"It's lemon." Patrick smiles at the relieved look in Pete's eyes, and Pete turns to grab the plate and cuts the cake into a small piece, feeding it to Patrick. "Bill said it's the most delicious one."

He opens his mouth and accepts the cake, humming in delight and savouring the taste. "Bill's right." He reminds himself to thank Bill for it and takes the plate from Pete's hands, feeding him in return and having light conversations with each other.

Patrick enjoys this kind of moment the most, where they don't have to rush for anything, just taking their time relaxing together. The fact that they don't get to do it often makes Patrick cherishes it more, since they're both always busy with music and soccer.

Patrick sighs as he stares at the empty plate, jutting out his bottom lip in a pout. Pete seems to notice his change in behaviour as he nudges Patrick. "What's wrong?"

"Wish you would have bought more than one slice," Patrick mumbles as he lies on the bed. "Haven't eaten anything since breakfast."

Patrick grunts in annoyance when Pete laughs and drums on his belly, and he hits Pete with a nearby pillow. True to Pete's words, Pete has helped him to overcome his eating disorder. Although Patrick misses his thin figure and his flat stomach, he finds that he's much happier now that he's put on weight, especially when the voice in his head seems to disappear altogether.

"Here's a secret," Pete grins down at him, and lowers his voice. "I bought a slice of every flavour."

Patrick perks up in interest. "But isn't it more convenient if you just buy a whole cake?"

Pete continues to grin as he pulls Patrick into a sitting position. "Well, we celebrated  _you_  with one cake. Now we celebrate  _me_  with lots of cakes!"

"What are we celebrating you for?" Patrick eyes him.

"My husband just changed his last name to mine. That deserves a celebration too, don't you think?"

Patrick's gaze softens at Pete's earnest face, and he smiles before leaning forward to kiss him. "Yeah, it does."

He laughs as Pete drags him to the kitchen, showing him stacks of boxes of cakes that he had bought. They sit around the kitchen island and begin to eat the cakes and continues their casual conversation.

Even though their chatters and laughter fill the silence of the house, Patrick can't help but feel like they're missing something, like the sound of soft pads of feet running across the floor and shrilled cries and laughter.

-

Patrick hums a tune under his breath as he shuffles along the kitchen, preparing lunch for both him and Pete. He smiles as he hears Pete entering the kithcen, but doesn't turn around.

"What are you looking at?" Patricks asks after a few minutes of silence, catching Pete staring at him.

"Nothing," Pete grins, and Patrick raises an eyebrow in suspicion. "Something's up your sleeves," he turns around to continue cooking, "and please, for the love of God, don't let me be part of your plan."

"Well, if you must know-"

"I really don't," Patrick interrupts him, smirking when Pete huffs at him.

" _If_  you must know, I have nothing up my sleeves. Nothing, absolutely nothing but my love for Patrick Martin Wentz," Pete finishes, smiling warmly at him.

Pete has been on cloud nine ever since Patrick changed his name, always saying Patrick's full name whenever he has the chance to and making up wild excuses just to say his name. Patrick secretly likes the way his name rolls off Pete's tongue, as if it was specifically made for Pete to say it.

"You're really getting off on my name, aren't you?" Patrick teases him.

"My only guilty pleasure," Pete smirks as he walks over to Patrick, sliding his arms around Patrick and kissing his neck, and Patrick relaxes against him. "I mean it, 'Trick. You're my only love."

Patrick turns off the stove as Pete turns him around, kissing him. He slides his hands around Pete's neck and Pete ushers him to walk backwards until he bumps into a counter. Pete hoists him up on the counter, and Patrick wraps his legs around Pete's waist, pulling him close.

Patrick finally pulls away from the kiss when the need of oxygen arises. He rests his forehead against Pete's and smiles as Pete continues to kiss him.

"Hey, what do you think about kids?" Patrick asks quietly, biting his bottom lip.

"Yeah, I love baby goats. You buying me one?" Patrick jabs him on the shoulder and Pete kisses his nose, laughing.

"Why do I even marry you?" Patrick mutters to himself and pushes Pete away so they can look at each other. "I'm serious, Pete. What do you think about kids?"

Patrick begins to fidget when Pete doesn't say anything. This is a probably bad idea, Patrick thinks. "Pete?"

Pete seems to snap out of his thoughts and cups Patrick's face. "You want kids?"

Pete doesn't seem to be mad, so Patrick takes it as a good sign. "I- I do." He holds Pete's hand in his and continues, "I- we're ready for this, Pete. We've gone through so much,  _so much_ , and- and nothing can be worse than what happened to us this whole year, but, look, Pete, I- I know we're ready, we can do this, and-"

He gasps as Pete pulls him forward, kissing him gently. Hope bubbles up in his chest when Pete smiles at him. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to have kids with you."

His heart swells with happiness and he throws his arms around Pete, laughing and thanking him over and over again. Pete pulls him into a hug, and he buries his face in the crook of Pete's shoulder as he stares at the ring on his finger. Pete is whispering something in his ear, but he doesn't hear anything.

Now that they have moved a step forward in their relationship, Patrick promises to himself that he would do anything to protect his marriage, even if it means lying and keeping secrets from Pete.

Brendon will never know that Pete had raped him, and Pete will never know that he had slept with Brendon.

_They will never know. It will be our little secret._

"Something wrong, 'Trick?"

Patrick pulls back and smiles. "Nothing's wrong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I'm so sorry for making Mikey so mean.
> 
> I probably have enough time to write about two long-ass fics before class starts in three weeks. Since some of you have asked for Brendon's POV, I have 2 questions to ask you guys:
> 
> 1\. Do you still want Brendon's POV?
> 
> 2\. If you do, is it okay if I combine all the three chapters into one? Since Brendon doesn't appear much in chapter 3.


End file.
